"We're one in a million, why can't you see"

"I treat you a like a princess, but your life is just a one big mess"

Unequal treatment, brother. And you're fucking up. Mixed blessing for you, I'm slowly getting so fucking sick of it I'm on the other side of the line.

SHE CHEATED ON ME

she fucked andre and brent. and left me heartbroken. but she hasnt told me. idk how i will react when she does. i hate her and love her at the same time. FUCK YOU

Looking at all my previous posts, I wanna slap myself-I was so dumb. Thinking everything over summer was the end of the world. God likes to put shit in perspective for me. Not a day goes by when I don't wish to go back in time. Constant wishing to go back in time. I'm scared, but too tired to be scared. Health is the number one thing in life people take for granted. Don't ever-don't ever just wake up and assume your body is gonna work like it should. Be thankful when it does. That's something I didn't do. I'm too scared to go to the doctor, but I need to. A big lump forms in my throat. Only 19 years old-I don't want this. Sadness fills my whole body and waking up is the worst part of my day. Really all I want is to go back in time-could this shit have been avoided? How can I go back in time?

How?

-GJW

I'm so tired of being angry, jealous, self conscious, and never good enough.

FUCK THAT.

Lol at how many times I've posted something like this that always has a "fuck that" after every post and how the feeling never quite goes away.

Silly me, I keep thinking it's going to change but it doesn't. Silly, silly me. It's kind of like, I'd laugh at myself-at how stupid I am for feeling this way and putting myself in a place like that-but I can't laugh because it is me. I am the one going through it. Maybe unnecessarily so, but that begs the question: "why am I going through it?" Well, fuck, let's see about that........

-GJW

This perpetual feeling that I'm not good enough...giving it my all, but getting burnt out. Fuckkk

Dude-->thats the shit I don't like

Fuck, am I losing my social life?? No one wants to kick it, no one responds to my texts. I've never felt this way in my life. Ever. I've always had a social life...

I'm so fucking tired of competing, man fuck that shit. I don't wanna compete with anybody in anything. I wanna go at my slow turtle pace all by myself.

I never fail to

get emotional when I think of February and March. So many "what ifs" go through my mind, so many regrets go through me. What if I had just been more open with AP? Would she have felt that I'm more disposable or less? What if I had made an effort to show her what she meant to me rather than wait around for her to keep telling me? What if I had not been so passive and shown that I was hurt? What if  I had shown her that she was gradually meaning more and more to me than J was?

So many what ifs? But honestly, if DO never came into the picture, I never would have known how strongly I felt. The pain and sadness that ran through our bodies would have never been known to the pair of us had we not seen each other with other people. That pain and sadness was a sign that we truly did have feelings for the other person. But we were foolish, we were scared. The nausea and agony should have been clues, but we were scared-scared that we were disposable to each other. So we quietly held on to the little bit of each other that we thought we had of us. I thought I was disposable to her and she thought she was disposable to me.

Sometimes I like to ponder and wonder. Why of these times? Times that people would love to erase. And I'm not sure. I'm not sure why I like to sit and think of one of the most difficult times of my first year.

In one of those moods again.

-GJW

SHouTs OuT haha

AP did me HELLA right on my birthday. The clock struck twelve, she took her clothes off, then took mine off and went down on me. Best birthday present ever. I love when she does those things like when she takes her clothes off and casually drops a shirt or something on my lap. The best is when she bites her lip and just kinda talks with her eyes. Or when she kinda grinds her ass on me no matter where we are. Or when she gets kind of aggressive and just takes my clothes off (especially button downs, I love when she takes those off of me). Or pushes me on the bed and gets on top. Fuck, she's at work right now, and I'm stuck at home waiting for her.

I never knew, but she gets pretty loud when she wants to be. OH SHIT, done putting our shit on blast haha.


Sexually frustrated,

GJW

She's so good at teasing, I'm just left like -______- tha fuck am I supposed to do while she works a 5 hour shift today. Ugh, I have to wait.

I'm tired of the way you're treating me

I can't be the root cause of all your problems, can I? Stop being so cold to me.

I am walking into the lion's den...

I'm sorry

That's all I can say

Sometimes all the lying, big, small, whatever, is eventually going to catch up to me....maybe it already did.

Starting today, I want to be more truthful and honest with EVERYONE. Of course, in small steps, but all this lying is getting on my nerves and stressing me out.

-GJW

Everything in life is temporary, change is constant. This too shall pass.

That's gonna be my new mantra because it's true. Life is a constant change. I always wanted to go back to the past, I glorified the past. I thought that the past, even when it was bad, was better than the present. But I'm done with that. Everything that's happening now-it may be stressful, it might suck, but the past had difficult times too. Remember, that it will pass.

What are my flaws?

I always find flaws in other people, but I'm not exactly sure what my own flaws are. That doesn't mean I don't know I have flaws-I do. I just am not sure what they are. I think I'm pretty agreeable, I can go with the flow. I'm not too assertive. So what are my flaws?

I could ask my sister, but she sees when I'm grumpy haha. I could ask AP, but she wants to cut me right now. Mehh, just one of those days.

-GJW

To everyone in my life there might be a lil snippet or two about you from some song lyrics. Enjoy and try and figure it out ;)


You're wet and you're warm just like our bath water
First I made you who you are and then I made it
My swag is the coolest, my bitch is the rudest
This is like a flashback...and I could let you slip away without a second glance. Why can't I realize, I'm fighting for my life.
When I saw this girl at the hotel, and I couldn't get enough
[You] broke it off thinking [I'd] be sorry
I broke it off thinking you'd be sorry
With hearts on fire I [reached] out to you tonight
Fuck that bitch/nigga that you think you found, I know you still think of the times we had
You give me a feeling that I've never felt before
And after all that we've been through, I know we're cool
Don't want to take it for granted or abuse you
Tell me why we gotta argue bout the same thing? Nobody's perfect, uhh, but you're perfect for me
Because I always feel like running...not away because there's no such place, if there was I would have found it by now
As long as you love me ^___^
A pool full of liquor and they dive in it....
These clubs fulfill all my wishes, one big room full of bad bitches!
Tell me I'm you're national anthem. Red, white, blue's in the sky-summer's in the air and baby heaven's in your eyes
How does it sound if we spend the night out?
I simply run, I don't wanna stay
As long as I don't break these promises
You own my heart, he [was] renting
I'm hella positive forreal. But you can see it in my eyes, read it on my lips. Nothing's gonna knock this girl down!
Call me crazy, shit at least you're calling
Guess who's back in the mufuckin house!!!!
When did [my] heart go missing?
Wearing your heart like a stolen dream, opening skies with your broken keys.

Some of them are incredibly ambiguous. Have fun guessing who they're about. And no, I'm not on the rocks with AP. We're doing fine :) so please don't think the negative lyrics are about her haha.

Been really stressed out with housing and such

So I'm living off campus and I am doing so with ZB, AP, and our friend MT.

Long story short, MT is living in a converted den (she has it all to herself for the small price of $575 a month). The set back is that it is lacking a wall and it has a fireplace in it. Not too ideal, but it's at a discounted price rather than the original asking price for that reason.

I've done everything for this fucking house. EVERYTHING. I found it, I found a third roommate, I even found a fourth roommate, and I made rent cheaper for EVERYONE. I fucking sent in the deposit which was ($3800) for everyone. And you still expect me to do more. You guys have a problem, you expect me to fix it for you. You need to have something done, I'm supposed to do it. You need to contact the real estate agent, you expect me to contact them. I have to do everything and when I say I don't know how to do it or that I can't do it and they need to do it themselves, they dont seem too happy. They have a tone change and are colder towards me. Look, I am not your mother, and I'm not going to sort everything out for you. You fuckers need to do this shit as well.

MT is giving me the hardest time-she's being cold, rude, and mean towards me. I understand you weren't thrilled by the situation-you can gladly take my room with AP and pay a lovely $1000 a month rent check.

I realize there is a missing wall-I truly understand that. I can't do anything until I am actually living in that fucking house.

Just realize, MT, please that I have little say in all of this as well. I'm willing to work with you to the best of my abilities, BUT I cannot do everything myself and I am very limited because I don't have all the power in this situation.

Stop making me the villain.

ZB, step the fuck up, homegirl!!! Do some shit instead of just asking me to do it all. I am not your fucking mother and I just can't do it all. I realize you have a life, but do you realize I have one too? Do any of you guys realize that?

AP, the only person who's actually been helpful. Thank you for your help. I understand you can only help out to an extent, so I do truly appreciate your help with everything you did. I am still nervous to live with you. People keep putting thoughts in my head about how it may be a bad idea. And I'm just scared. Here's what I want to say to you: I'm scared of living with you because I'm afraid we'll regret it and one of us will break up with the other. I don't want that to happen. I want to make it work. I want to prove to everyone, to MK, to KA, that we'll do it with flying colors. I want to be happy with you. Why can't I live with you and be happy? Why does Western culture make it a taboo? I'll make it work. Fuck everyone's doubt. Just fuck it. I'm tired of people having little faith in me. I'm going to make it work. I am.

-GJW

My sister keeps saying how we turned out exactly like how my parents wanted us to.....she has never been farther from the truth. Oh, shit if only she knew. If only....

Why 2012 sucked for me and the positives

• My grandma died
• I got a uti which turned into a yeast infection
• I started getting recurring yeast infections
• I cheated on my boyfriend
• I questioned my sexuality
• Bumps in my relationship

Good parts

• I got to DJ
• I did well in my last quarter of freshman year
• I met some great people
• AP
• I saw Drake live
• No Doubt is finally coming out with a new album 

Why me? Why me???

We all go "why me" but the question you should ask as well is "why NOT me." It hurts to hear that, but it's true. Why can't I be susceptible to it?

What we forget when we're so caught up in our "why me" is that everyone has a story. No one's life is perfect. We are all dealing with something, going through something.

Why was this placed in my path? When something hard is placed in my path I usually tell myself "because God knew I could handle it." What if I don't want to handle this. What if this is too much for me to bare. Recurring yeast infections-->precursor to diabetes or aids-->could be a misdiagnosis-->that could mean I have herpes-->or another STD. My mind is thinking the worst, but I couldn't live with that. A compromised life...I'd rather die.

Sometimes I get

tired too. It's exhausting managing so much. I'm so tired of it all. I'm just so tired. Sometimes I feel like if I died tomorrow, I wouldn't mind. I wouldn't be unhappy, scared, anything.

Ugh -_________-

I have work on Thursday. Just when I thought they were not gonna schedule me they schedule me. Ugh, then I'm leaving 2 weeks for college from that day so I have to give me 2 weeks on Thursday. And they have to give me a paycheck which my lazy ass will have to pick up when I come back from college, ugh.

Eww, listen to me complain about getting work and a paycheck. Millions of Americans can't even find a job. I simply walked in and got a job. I should be thankful. I'm going to receive a $100+ paycheck this Thursday, and more money on top of that. That money will be going all to my savings account.

-GJW

My tummy gets butterflies

When I share really sick music I find with people :) I dunno why, but I just do. And when they respond with the same intellectuality of me (no cocky), I just thrive off of that.

Her sisters think she's a lesbian

She's getting more and more worried because her sisters are on her case about whether she's a lesbian or not. She said she'd call me because there's so much to say. I'm worried she's gonna say she's done with me because she can't afford to have her family think she's a lesbian. I was thinking about it in the car, if she says she wants to break up with me I'm feeling more and more indifferent. Yeah it'll suck, but the last time she called things off and we got back together, I only went in 80%. Before I was in 100%. I learned my lesson. I'm not in it as much, so I won't get hurt as much.

Ball's in her court, when isn't it in her court? We'll see what she says when (if) she responds to me. I'm hoping she doesn't wanna end things, but I'm expecting her to call it quits.

Ehhh, shitty day overall-stomach hurts.

-GJW

I figured I should update you all

With the latest songs I've been listening to. It makes me feel cooler and maybe you guys will find some good songs from it haha.

• Swimming Pools-Kendrick Lamar
• Nightcall-Kavinsky (Listen to the whole Drive soundtrack)
• Under Your Spell-Desire (Listen to the whole Drive soundtrack)
• Heatwave-Wiley D (Summer jammin)
• Y Control-Yeah Yeah Yeahs 
• Feel Me-Krewella (They'll be stepping onto the scene shortly-I hope)
• Spectrum-Zedd Ft. Matthew Koma
• Martians vs. Goblins-Game Ft. Lil Wayne and Tyler, The Creator (Tyler is too dope)
• Love Has Gone-Netsky (Drum and Bass is making it's way over)
• I Wish You Would-Dj Khaled Ft. Kanye West and Rick Ross (Everyone's saying Kim K is holding Kanye West back, but he's making some of his BEST music now)
• Goin In (Skrillex Going Hard remix)-Birdy Nam Nam
• Celebration-Game Ft. Chris Brown, Tyga, Wiz, and Lil Wayne (how rap SHOULD sound)
• They Ready-Dj Khaled Ft. J. Cole, Big K.R.I.T., and Kendrick Lamar
• Numbers-Logic
• My Chain-Logic
• Flocyde-Break Science
• When I Was A Youngster-Rizzle Kicks

Of course there will always be more new and noteworthy songs, but these are the ones I feel like posting. I think we've covered just about most of the most popular genres haha. Sorry, no country or heavy metal here! Hopefully some stick out to you and you decide to download them!

-GJW

I'm going to hell

first class ticket to hell. Throwing a friend under the bus to save my own skin. First time I've been sick to my stomach with what I've done. Fuck, I'm horrible.

I'm so sorry for throwing you under the bus, I really am. I can't justify it and the only thing I can say is you took something away from me so I did this to you. Oh fuck, I'm so horrible. Fuck me. Fucking fuck.

A minimum wage job

Now that's the shit I don't like. I know I've been complaining about getting a job and now that I've gotten one, all I do is complain about how I hate it. It's this glorious cycle-when I'm bored, I want something to do; when I get something to do, I hate it and want to be free again. I don't know if this job is something I actually NEED. Here, you can tell I'm trying to justify ending my employment. A bad idea, I know. I'm gonna mow the lawn today for another $20 from my dad. I don't know what I'm trying to get at. I'm selfish, ungrateful, lazy, and everything-I get it. I'm sorry.

-GJW

Money is the anthem of success...I'm your national anthem

There's not much to post about...I should say there's not a central topic to talk about, a whole bunch of mini ones.

The Cataracs broke up...rest in peace to a great hip-hop/techno group. I was knocking them since freshman year. They were a big part of my inspiration to become a DJ. They had so many hidden dance songs that I wanted to show people. They were my inspiration to get into music. I never got to see them live, and I'm not sure if I want to now. Who will be the new Cataracs?

I really need to FURTHER my DJ career, not in "how many likes can we get on facebook" or even practicing. I need to download better software and I need to download a program that can help me mash songs up...I need to learn how to mash songs up.

I need to make tanks that advertise me as a DJ as well-that's so much money I'm not sure where I'm going to pull that from.

All my friends are gone -_____- TS is in Hong Kong, JQ is back at college, KA started community college, SF is on a road trip with MA...I'm friendless. There are other people, but it's not the same as hitting up your close buddies.

I fucking love Lana Del Rey. People hella hate on her, but she has some solid music out there.

I'm on my period right now...it's been like 2 weeks -____- I don't know why my body acts like this, I'm just so scared that I'm more susceptible to yeast infections.

Yesterday I was kinda grumpy-AP and I were talking on the phone, she was walking back from work and I was just walking around the neighborhood. She gets home and hears some knocking on the door. Ironically enough I was like "wouldn't that be funny if it was Andre?" And I continue to talk but to no response. I saw that either the call was dropped or she hung up on me. She texted me and said "Sorry, it was Andre." Couldn't even have said "I'll call you back." That kinda irked me.

People won't accept something (even if they see it with their own eyes) if they're not READY to accept it. They'll be in denial.

KA thinks SSM might have been a lesbian or something of that nature...I'm not sure. There's nothing I can do to prove it or discredit it. I'm afraid if I talk about her too much, people (my friends) will think I'm not over here as a friend. I don't think it's that, I think it's fun to criticize (?) her. I dunno, it's fun to see her and point out what's wrong. I don't want her back in my life, but everyone needs someone to hate on. She happens to be my person to hate on haha. But mostly when KA and I get together, it's one huge gossip fest haha.

I think that's it for now. Not many more small topics to talk about.

-GJW

Happy 6 month anniversary!

Even though AP forgot LOL I actually don't mind. It's cool because honestly why do we have to celebrate a monthly anniversary? It's just another excuse for the girl to get mad at the guy. WELL, CAN'T NOTHING BRING ME DOWN! Ugh, except I have so much shit to do -_____-

-GJW

I better not

I better not get a fucking ticket -______- such a fucking hassle to do everything with it.

With my best friend back in college time seems to go by slowly. Never realized that I wanted to do a lot with that kid, but he goes to a semester college and I go to quarter college. Maybe he'll come back one of these days and we can kick it.

Summer slump-in but I get to see TS!!

-GJW

Shouts out, shouts out! haha

Thank the lord for RH. Put's shit in perspective for me

-GJW

"unless he starts to home wreck..then you beat dat nigga's ass"

LOLOL damn

I really want to go down on AP but like it's been 6 months and I haven't done it and I'm afraid she won't let me or I won't enjoy it or I won't know how and then I'm going to look like a fool. But like I really want to. I wanna tell her too...sigh

Not sure why, but I have a very bad feeling about today. Like I'm president of the I'm Fucked Foundation. And there's nothing I can do but wait. It feels like a bad day because I'm basing it off of past experiences. And if this is anything like the time before, I can assure everyone I'm fucked. So very fucked. Well, there goes my appetite for the rest of the day.

Foreshadowing unpredictability and possibly something more dark

If you are so vain, return to me, what I have spent on you

What a beautiful line...she is talking about how he so arrogantly threw his money at her because she is a prostitute. She loved him and spent something other than money on him.

I was content with my life of solitude, why be my messiah of misery....

This movie is fuckin on point, damn! It's so sad and beautiful

Ohmygahh, found one of my classmates from my private school on facebook-SHOOO CUTE! ugh when did he get like that. He used to be this hyper active ass kid with a lisp.

Months of expression on this blog in just 15 minutes in person

This is gonna be a very long post. I'm not going to leave anything out because each detail is so important.

Yesterday I visited AP, MZ, and SK (and SK's older sister ^.^). A day before that, AP told me SK was throwing a party and wanted to invite Andre and asked me how I felt about that. Honestly, I didn't know how I felt. Wanting to be safe and not sorry, I passed on wanting to meet him. I had some more time to think about it and I realized why not? Why not meet this kid, get it over with, and maybe hit it off with him? I mean, if I could be such good friends with DO, why couldn't I make it past myself and be friends with Andre? By the time I reached this conclusion, I was feeling pretty good about myself.

(I'm writing this post very slowly because, and I'm not sure why, I get a little emotional every now and then and I need to regain my composure).

Well the party rolled around and so did Andre. That whole day I wasn't nervous and I wasn't nervous until AP said "Andre's here." I met him, shook his hand, and started joking with him. It's an automatic reaction. Immediately AP said "anyone wanna smoke?" and Andre looked up and said "sure." It doesn't bother me that they went to go smoke. I'm pretty sure that doesn't sound convincing and I'm not going to try and convince you that it didn't bother me. You can choose to believe me or you can choose otherwise, I don't care.

The whole duration of the party, I was a third wheel. It's as simple as that. I was the person that didn't want to disrupt them. Whatever they were doing, how they were interacting, everything. I was off to the side. Dinner was brutal. Every time JK got up, I was just waiting for her to sit back down. Or MZ. Or for someone to pass and make conversation so I wouldn't have to be a third wheel.

After dinner, everyone went to go outside and play beer pong. MZ, SK, AP, and Andre were in the hall so I decided to see what was up. As I entered the hallway AP put her hands on Andre's hips while everyone was giggling about a "pee date" between MZ and AP. I've only felt this out of place with my friends once before-the paragraph before this one. What am I supposed to do? I don't know what to do? Do I tell AP how am I feeling? Do I just go home and think about it? Do I go to someone and tell them what's up? All these thoughts were going through my mind and suddenly I had an overwhelming urge to cry. To cry and feel miserable.

AP already told me she just wants to be friends with Andre and I believe it so why do I feel this way?

We went outside to play beer pong. SK and MZ against AP and this other girl. Andre, JK, JC and EC (twin boys who live there who are super kawaii!) and I all sat down. The small movements AP did towards Andre were like little daggers piercing my heart ready to trigger the tears in my eyes (sounds dramatic, but honestly it was hard to watch). Unnecessarily touching his knees, slapping his arm in a playful flirty way. Wait, so I'm in a relationship with her? Could've fooled me. With Andre there, didn't even look my way unless I cheered for SK.

After the game, AP sat down next to me, but honestly I was just ready to go home. My contempt for Andre was justified and this was just a bad idea. AP and I went inside and I went into MZ's room. JK came into the house too because it was getting cold. I confessed to MZ because early she asked me what I thought of Andre. AP was in the kitchen, JK came into MZ's room and I quietly whispered to MZ everything I had felt this whole party. She listened and very quickly responded with "tell her." Like that thought didn't cross my mind. It's not that, I was just afraid AP would get defensive, or wouldn't listen to me, or would get mad. AP came into MZ's room as well and MZ told me I should tell her now. I wasn't ready so I went to the bathroom. When I came back, AP left the room for a bit, and I could feel it, I felt the tears ready to come. I waved at my eyes hoping they wouldn't but then they slowly made a sad trek down my face. MZ gave me her stuffed animal (adorable gesture) and JK told me not to cry. AP came back in MZ towards me said "tell her, tell her now." AP was all confused and said "What? Tell me what?" It was that point that the past 2 hours were too much for me and I cried. I grabbed MZ's stuffed animal close to me and MZ spoke for me. JK was so comforting throughout all of this (sidenote). AP said she had no idea that was how she made me feel. Uhhh, I know, that's why I'm telling you (through MZ haha).

MZ and JK left so it was just me and AP. I hate confrontation. I tried my hardest to regain my composure and not cry. It was hard and it still is. I confessed so much of what I wanted to her finally. So much of everything from this blog was told to her. I told her how I do trust her-100% and that I've always been confident in myself and my partner in a relationship; that I've never been the needy type of girl who's overly emotional but that all changed. It changed because I have now been conditioned to believe that relationships are built off of lies. I told her why I felt like that. I told her that one day in the school year I asked her if Andre ever asked for her back, if she would go back to him? She said she would. Fastforward a few months and she told me "Andre and I are friends again!" It's only alarming because of what she had said before. I told her that. I asked her how she would feel if J started talking to me again and I interacted with him the way I did when we were in relationship. She stopped and thought about it. We talked about more things of that nature, and I finally dished out what was locked inside for so long.

One thing I forgot to say is a major reason for my dislike of Andre. It's nothing he did and I know that. I feel like I always have to compete with Andre for AP to realize I'm good enough. I say I want a new car, "Andre drives a civic and it's this light blue-I think that's a good car." That's cool, I drive a 1994 accord-how can I compete? "I don't understand why anyone would get a tan colored car" That's cool, my old ass car is the exact color you hate-sweet. "Isn't Andre so nice? Isn't he super funny?" gushing about him like that. Yeah, he's nice, no I don't think he's the funniest-his humor is normal. I have to compete with that. I can't really explain what I mean when I say I have to compete. It's kind of like proving that I'm better (?), the best (?), the funniest (?)...then how come I can't make you laugh so hard you cry....This is going to be a stupid comparison but in Real Housewives of New Jersey, Teresa's husband Joe, hate's her brother Joe G because Teresa always put Joe G on a pedestal and Joe found it hard to compete. That's how I feel.

With all of this said, I don't know what I'm trying to get at. I don't want her to stop talking to Andre. That would be silly, controlling, and weird. I want her to be friends with Andre. I just want her to know how these things make me feel. She can change if she wants to, but most importantly I just want her to know.

I might have left out somethings, but they will come in later posts.

To conclude, when I left the party, I said goodbye to Andre. He gave me a hug and I returned it. AP said he gave her two thumbs up for me. Nice to know Roger and Epert...haha just kidding.

I'm done for now. Do I hope that AP reads this post? Yup, I told her yesterday that her reading my blog is easier than me saying these things to her in person. I'm working on it, but it's hard to be open. I'm trying

-GJW

Hella Moody

I hella hate everyone right now -______-

When I say everyone, like, I'm not joking. I mean everyone. Hoes. I wish it was just me. I love myself...I just hate all these dumb fuckers around me.

-GJW

Edit: even my mood can change too! Even if it was only in like 2 minutes :D

Edit: but someone can always bring me down. FUCK THE WORLD, MAYNE. People never can understand your point of view until they want to with an open mind.

Dumb car

Stupid Honda Accord 2008 that has a shitty battery. Like wtf, dude. Japanese cars are supposed to be bomb. -________- I could take my mom's car but then I can't play my CDs...WAHHH. I could take my old car, but that thing is like 19 years old. I'm scurred for it's life! hahaha.

-GJW

AP will do this thing to me where she'll text me shit that will turn me on and it does and I'm stuck at home without her to help me out. And like I can't handle this anymore. But like I can. And ugh, I'm dying. Why is she so hot? I just wanna see her everyday so I can push her in our room everyday and handle her...time to go drink some chocolate milk.


-GJW

I wish "hooking up" had a more concrete definition. One person's idea of hooking up could be someone else's idea of making out.

GET IT TOGETHER, WORLD!

-GJW

Summer conclusions...1 month left

Foolish me for believing that a) you would get over your belittling ways and b) for stooping down to your level.

Bullshit, mayne

Time to save some fucking money instead of tossing it around.

Time to kick it with the high school homies

Time to not give a fuck

When will it be time to actually believe that stuff?

Truth

Hella posting but it can't be helped haha.

I remember seeing a friend post something that stuck out to me quite a bit. It was a post that said "I'm sorry that I'm both your umbrella and rain."

It might be cliche, but it was interesting to me. I can't really describe why I like it so much. It was such a simple statement, but it rang so true. It's stating that it is possible to be someone's burden and relief/protection too. I dont know, man. I just like it a lot.

 Interpret it how you want to.

-GJW

(P.S. just took a pill to help my disease out, but like this shit better not be a reoccuring thing.)

I'm on the edge of glory Fuck that!!! I'm not on the edge of glory! I'm on the edge of death -____-

Fuck you, you fucking fuck!!!!!

What I want to say to the world right now. Everyone leave me alone to rot. I hate that my body is such a spazz. CAN'T YOU JUST DO ONE THING RIGHT! Every single fucking day something is wrong with me. WHY, WHO IS DOING THIS TO ME.

God, if you're listening, please let my body get 100% healthy forever.

Good health is not something to take granted, and I PROMISE, I never plan on taking it for granted. Why? Because more often than not, I am in bad health.

-GJW

Edit: I hate everyone right now

Edit: I hate everything right now

Edit: No, I'm not being overly dramatic

When people toast to good health and people return that toast....THEY ARE TAKING IT FOR GRANTED. Do not take good health for granted. Without good health, everything sucks.

why can't my body just be healthy at least once?

Literally cannot get enough of Heatwave by Wiley and Ms D!!! It's not even that good, but it just makes me wanna dance so hard-PERFECT summer song. I thought Where Have You Been by Rihanna was the perfect summer jam...NAHHHH this one is where it's at. It's that perfect dancehall, techno, dance-y, pop vibe. What makes it instantly more appealing-it's Jamaican vibe. It makes me stoked for my life. It makes me want to move to England.

nyah nyah wiley tha grimiest rapper (honestly though, there's such a thing as grime rappers haha. I had no idea).

passed and past

i have trouble differentiating between the two

I hate when people are unnecessarily overly protective...feels like I'm on fuckin house arrest. It's ok, all I have to do is get passed this weekend and then it'll feel normal again.

I don't mind my parents being out of the country...I do mind how my mom had to make arrangements for me. Fuckkkkkk me. I was so passive I didn't voice how I felt. Well I didn't voice how I felt because I didn't  feel like dealing with my mom.

-GJW

Sour taste in my mouth....like something's going to go terribly wrong

People's perception of rap

It's so off. Everyone hates on rap because it degrades women, is too explicit, blah blah blah. That's true...SOME of it is that. You know which rap songs are like those? The ones played on the radio. Ayy Ladies by Travis Porter, Tyga, disregard that shit. It's catchy but that's just it. Every genre of music has their shit side. That is rap's shitty side. Let's get passed that side because there's another side of rap.

Another side of rap that involves Kendrick Lamar, Frank Ocean, The Weeknd, Kid Cudi, Logic, Nas, Kanye West, Odd Future, and so many more.

Other genres of music are beautiful at merely the surface, but look passed the surface...you can't because that's all there is. Here's what rap does-look at the surface and you'll be mistakened. You'll hear the n word tossed around, you'll hear about drinking, you'll hear about the lavish lifestyle. But that's not what it's supposed to be. You have to look passed the surface and see what it's really about.

For instance, Kendrick Lamar dropped a song called "Swimming Pools (Drank)." Such a good song-catchy, good hook, nice beat, and about drinking; portrays the rapper's lifestyle perfectly. Well, yeah, but looked further than that. He's commenting on our society's need to drink for anything. To drink our sorrows away, drink to be fun, drink to love, drink because of peer pressure. Kendrick Lamar is taking on the persona and image of someone else, someone his audience can relate. In this song he's saying he started to drink due to peer pressure. People just hear that he's leading a rapper life by having so much liquor and women flocking to him so he can have any girl he wants. He's commenting on how women give up their self respect for liquor. He's observing how easily women will be manipulated by alcohol because they want to get fucked up because that is what they think society wants.

In the second verse he takes on the role of his conscience and himself. He has a conversation between the two. I don't really feel like analyzing the whole song but that's just the beginning of analyzing it. And it's just one example of looking passed the superficial things he's saying.

That's what makes rap so interesting-the ability to come off as superficial but much deeper when you truly take a look at it. Most people choose to ignore that part.

Yeah Adele has a beautiful voice, but she always weeps about heartbreak. The Temper Trap has a beautiful song with "Sweet Disposition" commenting on...love. These are beautiful on a one dimensional level. We've heard it all before. Try something else?

-GJW

Hella wanna go back to school...

JQ's at school so my main bud isn't here for me to hangout...sucks so hard. Now I have no one to just hit up whenever and kick it. :(

AP, MZ, and SK (a bit later) are all back at college so it's like what the hell am I doing here

J is here and a complete pretentious, condescending, douchebag dick

He was saying how him and a friend were going to start DJing at their college and how they sounded really good, had a really good name, and knew a guy who knew Bun B and Slim Thug. What??? Is that true??? I told AP that and she put things in perspective for me (thank goodness). She said he was saying this shit because he knew it'd freak me out. Why not undermine one of my biggest goals and aspirations? I understand now what he did. This whole summer that's been his goal. And I understand why. I hurt him so he wants to hurt me, I GET IT!!!!

Oh well, only a week till his ass gets shipped off to fucking Texas (sorry Texas, you're getting a pretentious dick). Go be a douchelord, deuces BIATCH.

I wanna see AP, fuck this shit mayne -______-

-GJW

Is it so much to ask for a job and be employed? I gotta mow the lawn today as my only source of income why does this happen to me? -_______-

Every summer I find myself unemployed

We Out Here Tryna FUNKTION (post is deeper than title)

It was only yesterday that a shooting occurred at a place of worship and the biggest headline now is "Missy Franklin has big feet."

What's wrong with our society? When people turn to guns to display their superiority or lack thereof. Accepting people's differences is what makes humans so great. It's looking to your left and realizing the person next to you shall be judged by their character not their color. It's sad, disgusting, pathetic, and embarrassing that in the 21st century, after EVERYTHING Dr. King, Rosa Parks, and more worked for, we still have hate crimes due to race. This was a domestic act of terrorism, that's correct. It was also racially motivated. America, that's just sad.

I just spent time on a Neo-Nazi website and it's sick. Why hinder society's changes? They're rambling on about how "black students" are taking money from "white students" with Obama signing a bill allowing black students better means to going to college. It's so sick and it's so ignorant.

But I'm digressing here. The point is that this was an act of racially motivated violence and terrorism. I've read countless articles on how Sikhs get mixed up with Muslims. I'm a Sikh so I'm going to give you all some insight. It's ridiculous that all these articles have to explicitly state that Sikhs have gotten mistakened for Muslims. What's wrong with Muslims? Why are people so ignorant to believe that only one culture can have beards and turbans?

To everyone that's a racist bigot-I was originally going to say fuck off, but that's just immature. What I will say is step back and look around. Remove yourself temporarily from the hate and the other thoughts that motivate you. See how these people are living. See how they are just human beings, not any different other than how they choose to worship. I'm saying this because I myself used to discriminate against a group of people (not race). It took me years to realize that they are not so different than myself, and that those differences do not shape who they are. It is their character that shapes them. You will eventually realize that race, gender, sexual orientation is just another thing.

-GJW

I'm so tired of feeling nauseous all the time, waking up and not knowing if I'm going to throw up or if today my stomach is going to hurt more than other days. I'm tired of getting throw up scares. I'm tired of dealing with this for 3 years. Every time I tell my mom, I get the same answer "you're not eating healthy!" or stuff like that. I've changed my diet to healthy and it doesn't make a difference. I'm tired of going to the doctor and hearing "nothing's wrong with you, this is odd." Fuck that, it's not normal to feel nauseous every day of the week. I've learned just to accept it because my mom clearly thinks it's my eating habits. No!!!!! I want to go to an actual gastroenterologist and be like "yo, can you fix me?"

Way off sidenote-my family is going to be out of the country for 2 weeks and so my grandma's gonna come and hangout with me. First of all, grandmas are more protective than moms -_______- second of all, since I don't have an official job, my mom is thinking about sending me off to sac too. no, fuck that, you won't let me go to my cousin's house who live 10 MINUTES AWAY just because they're on dad's side. And you take any opportunity to shit talk them. stop it, they are my family, i like to hangout with them and it is COMPLETELY unfair that you wont let me stay at their place. so stupid. instead, since im unemployed, you want me to go to sac...newsflash!!! IM NOT GOING, i want to spend time with my WHOLE family. fuck i hate this

I hate how when I look through my old posts I see how emotional some of them are. They were written when I was having an incredibly emotional moment. Looking at it a few days or even hours later, it's not that bad. Time to stop writing in the moment and take a second to look around and realize, ya feel?

Once you kill a cow, you gotta make a burger! (in this case a hippo)

So about a week ago I met up with KA and she filled me in on some interesting things.

Our friend GM who also happens to go to college with me -_____-, we were super tight in the beginning and in senior year but somewhere along the way we just went our own ways. Well this girl I mistakenly befriended in the beginning of the year, SSM also became tight with GM. Oh lord, do I start with all the things this girl did? This post would never end haha. Maybe I'll fill you in on her later, just know that she's crazy, controlling, manipulative, and just a bad friend overall. I told her that I was no longer interested in being treated the way she treated me and so good riddance to her!

Well, GM had a birthday dinner/club thing last Friday and SSM came for it. GM invited me, but it was later confirmed by myself and KA that GM had no intention of ever inviting me; KA asked if she was going to invite me. No worries, I'm not offended. Just intrigued by the truth.

Long story short, at the club, KA said SSM was SUPER drunk and kept on saying "You know, I miss [GJW] but I'm ok with what happened." She kept saying that and variations of that to KA. Also, she was so drunk she near passed out. Paramedics asked her for her name, birthdate and someone she knew. She said..."[GJW]." 

I told her I wanted nothing to do with her in April and we went our ways after that (not without a ton of anger on her side). I do not regret cutting her out of my life, of course I don't. Some of the things she did after that fact were intentionally to get under my skin. It did work sometimes, but it never made me regret cutting her out of my life. It was fun to hate on her, but I didn't want to be her friend again. 

It's just incredibly interesting to me, INCREDIBLY interesting that she, 4 months after everything happened, still talks about me. And not when she is sober, but when she is drunk. People spill secrets they never intended to when they're drunk. In no way am I flattered that she is still talking about me...ok who am I kidding! Of course a part of me is flattered. But a bigger part of me is a little concerned. Clearly this girl was infatuated with me. She got mad whenever I went to other people's rooms or hungout with other people or anything like that. She even went so far as to tell me that I "need to cut people who are bad for me out of my life, cut AP out of my life." She didn't know about me and AP, but she was incredibly jealous that I liked to hangout with AP more, enjoyed her company more, and overall had a better time with her. Sidenote-AP considered telling SSM about us but I kept on firmly saying we shouldn't and it's a good thing we didn't. She was jealous of AP and LM, she was infatuated with me, she did not want me to have other friends. 

It's a little scary that she continues talking about me. AP has a hunch that SSM has a girl crush on me...KA asked me if SSM might have had feelings towards me. When AP said that, I was so surprised that I pushed her speculation to the side. But then KA had it too and AP voiced it once more. It may be likely. I ran it by my sister and she didn't think it was likely. But I don't know. It honestly could be that she just didn't have many friends and when she found someone that was (forgive my lack of humbleness) social enough, she wanted to claim me as her territory. She's done a lot of things to make it look like she's having a blast in college without me, and if she is, good for her! But somehow I doubt she's truly content with her current group of friends. I mean would you rather be a hippo or a croissant? :P 

When I talked to MK about her part of me got a little bit of insight into why SSM acted the way she did. She didn't want to end our friendship, I get it. I forced her to leave something that she didn't want to leave. I kind of felt bad for her after realizing this. But she can't be so controlling and constricting. I was her friend for goodness' not her boyfriend or child! She can't control what I do. It honestly felt like I was dealing with a breakup -______-

The weird thing was that when my grandmother passed away, she texted me a few weeks later saying she was sorry for my loss. First off, it's weird that she even found out. Second off, what is she tryna get at with that? It's been about a month, month and a half since I told her deuces and now out of the blue she's coming back? I know it was thoughtful of her to text me that, but why did she even do it? I don't want anything to do with her, including condolences. Maybe she was still hoping that we could be friends again? One of her hippos seemed to casually drop information along those lines to SK. 

That's all for now, I guess. I still don't know her motives and clearly GM won't tell me anytime soon either. If she still wants to be my friend, does she not get it that I'm dunzo? 

Honestly it does seem like she was into me. What she would've said to me (?)- "He's what you want, I'm what you need"-The Weeknd, What You Need, except in this case "He" was AP. Ugh, she was so fucking weird,

Feel like I need to take a shower or something, echh

-GJW

Gonna hangout with my cousin today!! So excited :) I love hanging out with her. It's finally feeling like summer again! Thank the lord, I needed this so so badly.

-GJW

On cloud 9 biatchesss! Had a great weekend and cant NOTHING bring me down

Can't catch a break from my sister

Can't catch a break from a bitch I thought I drop kicked ages ago aka SSM...bitch has infiltrated so many people from my high school

Nobody said it's easy for a player. I have learned this directly. Warning, it is not easy out there for a player.

-GJW

I've thought about it long and hard

And I've come to the conclusion that it takes a special (not necessarily in a good way) person to truly want two people. What with the Kristen Stewart scandal, my own story, and HG's I've realized that.

When I was in a relationship with J and AP it was obvious that I only wanted one. I looked forward to one person's texts more, being with that person more, wanting to kiss them, missing them when we were apart, wanting to Skype with them for long periods of time. There comes a point in a situation like that where you just realize you don't want two people. Yes, sometimes I wanted nothing more than J's affection, but at the end of the day, who did I want to spend more time with? Even now, I sometimes think about J but I stop myself because I chose someone else. Someone I actually wanted to be with. Yes, J's constant affection was wonderful and it made me go back for more. But was he the person I wanted to see everyday? No, he wasn't. I didn't mind not seeing him in a while.

In a situation like that, you mentally shut down to the person you feel less affection towards. If you are not a "special" human being (see first sentence), you will love one person more than the other. That is the person you choose. You continue to be in the relationship with the person you love less for other reasons. Not necessarily because you love them. You want to know the real reason I continued to stay in the relationship with J? Because I wasn't sure what was going to happen with me and AP especially after everything with DO, because part of me did still want J to an extent, because there never was a right time to say goodbye. But in the back of my mind, I knew it was best for both of us to say our goodbyes. He's free now to see whomever he wants to, someone that will be oh so good to him, be honest, be truthful. I want to see him with another girl, someone that really does love him and won't abuse the love he gives.

 It takes a selfish, disgusting, incredibly insecure human being to want more than one significant other. The affection of two people? It makes you feel on top of the world. But no, that's not what you want. You, as a human being, crave stability. Stability in cheating? Impossible. Our need for stability and security outweighs our need to feed our egos with multiple loves.

These are the thoughts that go through my mind every single day. Ever since I did that to J, I have been haunted by what I did. No matter who I tell, what advice I get, it will haunt me. Haunt me because I became what I never wanted to be. I am what people consider disgusting. I am the one thing people loathe...I cheated and the guilt of cheating is my punishment.

-GJW

Bend that ass over, bitch I'm here for a reason

What I wanna say to AP hahaha, not in a bad way, just in a "you got a nice ass" LOL

A letter to my dear AP

Here's what I want to say (and may not want to say) but I'm too afraid to...maybe I will send it.

Dear Ariel,

I am afraid ever since last Sunday that you're done with this, with me. I suffer in silence. I just want to know the truth. I have been conditioned to believe that every relationship is built on lies, can you blame me? I mean look at where we came from, look at HG. I know nothing other than lies. Show me otherwise please. I'm sorry for giving you a hard time and pushing you to say what you did a week ago. I never could have imagined how busy you really were until I saw it when I visited you a few days ago. I see that your day, unlike mine, has little free time for you to do what you please. It saddens and hurts me that I couldn't even see that. It brings tears to my eyes that I was so selfish. I was selfish for thinking you did nothing. You are cracking under that weight and I never even knew it. You have so much to worry about. Me-I have too much free time, my mind forces me to go to the most negative corner of my heart and rot there; rot there with the thoughts, ideas, and feelings that are untrue. Communicate with me please. Just communicate with me. I am partially to blame for the lack of communication, however. I'm afraid if I tell you what I really feel (like how I am with this letter) you will turn the other way, ignore it, get mad, not want to listen. That's worse than dealing with it by myself.

We were inseparable at one point. We always did things together. I wouldn't have it any other way and neither would you. Now, that's gone. That's what I cry for. I want you to show me that I still mean something to you. I'm sorry you had to see the needy side of me. I've never been needy like this and I hate it. It stems from being conditioned to believe that every relationship has lies. It stems from lack of communication. Tell me what you're thinking, tell me what you feel. We agreed yesterday that 5 months is a long time to be in a relationship. The way you said it made it sound like there was more behind your words but it was hidden away from me. Ariel, please tell me what you really think. I want to hear it and respond. Respond with something that will make it better. But you're not letting me do that.

Looking through everything it kind of looks like flame became only a small spark. Maybe it's all in my head. Maybe I'm holding onto the past memories of a different time (even if it was only 2 months ago). I mean let's go step by step through the process. February you tried oh so hard to get me to kiss you. It finally happened-February 24th haha. March, you found DO, but you still tried to let me know I meant something to you. April, you had the both of us, but you ended up choosing me. May, you did a wonderful job at taking care of me when I needed you. June, we were apart but you tried to show that I meant something to you. July, that took a dip. There was a time where you didn't respond to my texts or calls. Why the sudden shift? What did I do? What could've caused this? And why didn't you tell me how you felt? Those were the thoughts going through my mind. It was agony. That was a week and a half ago. I saw you a few days ago. I was so worried something might have changed. And maybe something did. I changed. I acquired a new attitude. I became more understanding.

This is my fault. I feel this way, but I don't think you do. I think you believe everything is fine. And why shouldn't you? The moment I see you, Ariel, all that sadness melts away. I forget everything I stated above. But this time was different. More than anything I wanted to tell you the truth. Tell you everything I feel. But I didn't. Why add more stress to your life when you are dealing with so much there? I don't want to. I don't want you to deal with more. So I deal with it myself. I want to be open with you, but who knew being open would be so hard?

There's fear on your side too. I can see it. I'm a new feel for you (just like you are for me, neither of us knows what to expect). You're afraid, whether you want to hear it or not. You said the old you would've broken it off within a month or 2, but something told you not to. Listen to what it is saying. There's a reason it told you not to break it off. Why? Think about it. The old you was afraid, afraid of getting hurt, so why not hurt that person before they hurt you? I understand, but I don't plan on hurting, no matter how angry I get. I never have been the type of person to hurt someone I love. Your fear of dependency prevents you from being completely in this. Someone hurt you when you let your guard down. I understand that. I let my guard down and got hurt too. Trust is so essential in this. I hope that I've proven to you that I don't want to hurt you.

I'm not here to hurt you, nor will I ever be. I hope you will say the same. I want to communicate with you so badly. I want to tell you if I'm feeling sad or hurt by you. I want you to listen. And I want to do the same. I want to know if I am hurting you or making you sad. If I am, I want to stop.

This letter was written with as much love as I've given to you since the beginning.

Before I conclude this, I just want to know. Do you still get excited or happy when I text or call you? The same way I do? The same way I get happy? Or has that feeling gone? Don't look at the surface for that answer. Look deep inside, look at the same place that told you not to break it off after a month. And I'll be praying to a God that the answer is that you do get happy.

Sincerely,

_____________________

-GJW

I was a little angry in the last post. In due time you come to realize, not everything is as bad as it seems....

**at the end of the day, you are the only person that matters. Look out for yourself, not for others. They'll hurt you. You won't hurt yourself. When you do hurt yourself is due to the actions of others.

This pimple is not getting any smaller as the days go by -________-

I have an interview tomorrow and I may see AP tomorrow...with a pimple?!?!? Awww shucks

Sucks to suck...and this time I suck

-GJW

Too many bottles of this wine we can't pronounce

Super rich kids...

Hehe title has nothing to do with the post. I'm posting because tomorrow I might go and visit AP. I hope I can! It'll have almost been 3 weeks since I've seen her last. Wow, a lot can happen in 3 weeks haha. I want to see her, but I wonder if it there will be a difference. I'm nervous, but I want to see her oh so badly.

Tomorrow, though, I just got an interview at Target.....

It's in the morning so I can go see AP right? I don't want to keep holding it off. I want to see her and 3 weeks has been long.

Missing her,

GJW

12 Signs You're Into Someone

Shoot, I have no idea! I honestly didn't think I acted any differently, hahaha. Hmmm let's see

1. I'll start texting them a whole lot
2. Make more jokes or try and get them to laugh (shouts out to BB back in Spanish...sigh)
3. Go to their soccer games :P hehe
4. A lack of eye contact haha. I don't know why
5. I'll make you a mix cd
6. I won't text back immediately haha lame games
7. You like what I'm wearing? TIME TO GET SIMILAR STUFF haha
8. Laugh at their jokes or what they say...even when it's not funny
9. Turn incredibly timid
10. LOVE THEM (duhhhhhh, gosh!)
11. Become incredibly sexy and sultry

Hahaha this one was more of a joke. I took it semi-seriously. I'm just remembering all the times with BB and how eventful and fun junior year was. Every year is unique in it's own way

-GJW

Aftermath of Sunday

Sunday evening Ariel texted me asking if we could throw that idea out because it was never really well thought out and it wasn't something she wanted. Ok, I'm fine with throwing the idea out BUT why did that idea cross your mind in the first place? That's what I wanted to know.

I called her up and I told her how I felt...or at least part of how I felt. I said that for the past few days it seemed like she was ignoring my calls and texts. I told her I know she's busy but flat out not returning anything was alarming to me. She told me that last week had been stressful and that she wasn't sure she could handle a relationship. This was told to LM. LM, trying to be a friend to the both of us, told me that. And that's why Ariel called me up in the morning to tell me we should go on a break.

Ariel, quite unconvincingly (unconvincing due to the fact that, I shall assume here, she didn't want to have this conversation, I didn't either) told me that a break wasn't what she wanted. I told her that for this to continue, which I wanted it to, we need to communicate. Without communication, this relationship can't go anywhere. We're going to stay in the same place, going around and around. She agreed to that, and then told me she didn't like my dependency on her to be happy. This thought had come across my mind, but her vocalizing it made it true. She's right. It's not good for me to depend on her for my happiness. It's not good for her and it's definitely not good for me.

I said I'd work on that because I need to. This summer, I've had so much free time I can just sit and think. Think good thoughts, think bad thoughts, think everything. Although this talk was 2 days ago, I already feel better in terms of my dependency. I don't feel the need to text her every single second of the day. Nor do I feel the need to keep my phone on me every second. I also don't feel the need to stop what I'm doing to respond to a text. If I'm eating food, folding clothes, driving, or with friends. It feels better. If she doesn't text me immediately or even within the hour, it's ok. I don't mind Last week, however, it was a different sort of not responding or replying. Like there was a wall; a wall due to the lack of communication.

I have a job interview today at 3pm. I was supposed to see her today as well. It would've been a stretch to go visit and then come back for the interview. The emotional, soft side of me wanted to go visit, reschedule the interview and have a good time. But then I stopped and thought about it. I need to do what's good for me too. I need to get this job!!! Haha. So I decided to pass on visiting. I know this week I will see her.

There has been a change, it seems like, from the both of us. It is for the better.

-GJW

So you're a philosophy major?

Honestly, getting a philosophy degree is perhaps the most fucking stupid thing you could do. Who you think you are? The next Socrates? So you're trying to make the Allegory of the Cave 2.0? You're just another arrogant prick tryna figure out the meaning of life? Ohhhh, I see. So what's your job going to be?

Like math, it'll be difficult to add to what previous philosophers said. But hey, I'm not gonna make you change your major. Go for it. As long as you get the fuck out of my way for my econ/comp sci major.

I'm tired of people thinking their jobs will be their dreams...it's not. It's a means of income. Find a hobby that is your dream.

I guess I was raised differently. A very rigid, old fashioned way.

-GJW

It finally happened....

HAH! It finally happened, I suspected it for a while, but I was too hopeful. I guess I really am easy to just toss aside, huh? Ariel told me it's time to "go on a break." After all that I did? After all that I gave? After how much I loved you?

There's so much bitterness, sadness, hurt, anger. You took my heart and shattered it. How do I fix it? Who do I turn to now?

We're going to talk about it some more tonight. She hasn't been returning my phone calls, texts, anything. But all of what I'm writing is weakness, pure weakness. If she can live without me, I can live without her, right?

I'm tired of feeling this way. God, I hope she doesn't read this post. If there's one post I don't want her to read it's this one. Everything I want and need to say to her, I will. I don't need to say it through this to her.

Why did she hurt me? Why didn't she see things from my point of view? Why did she stop loving me? Why do I continue to care? What did I do to deserve this? Hasn't this year been hard enough? Don't I deserve someone to be good to me? When will I REALLY be happy?

I've had good memories with you and I really do see you for what you're worth.

Do you love me?

-GJW

13 ways to break the ice

-___________- this one is hella dumb

1. Introduce yourself! (should be obvious)
2. Talk about your college/major
3. Talk about your favorite music etc.
4. Talk about where you're from
5. Talk about where you've travelled (if you're cultured enough...hella snobby, but super grumpy lol)
6. Talk about SOCCER!!!
7. Talk about politics/current events (lol hella nerdy)
8. Talk about what you like to do!
9. Talk foooooood, or we could go eat some food hehe
10. Talk about your future (?)
11. Lemme tell you about how I'm a DJ (Eww, sounds conceited, but I put it here because it gets a conversation started when there's NOTHING to talk about)
12. If you're from out of town, let's talk about how it's culturally different here
13. Do you play any sports (-_______- I don't actually care but I couldn't think of a 13th LOL)

A lighter post than the previous one because we all deserve something more playful and happier

-GJW

Shouts out to room 317

I put on this spray I got from Victoria's Secret (Very Sexy, smells SOOO good!) today and it brought back memories. Memories of freshman year and messing around. Messing around in room 317 AP's and LM's room. Seriously, that room was crackin, I'd hangout there every single day and even if we did nothing, something would always happen. It was the messiest room ever, but 5+ people contributed to that mess. We were a family and room 317 was our house, our headquarters! So many memories made in that room. Good memories, bad memories, funny memories, sad memories. The decorations to the nice smell to the crowdedness! Don't really know what I'm trying to get at, except that that room contributed so much to my freshman experience. Thanks room 317!!!

-GJW

14 not so basic facts about you

Hmmmm, not so basic facts about me, let's see

1. I have a girlfriend and her name is AP ^______^
2. I cheated on my boyfriend
3. I'm nauseous or my stomach hurts almost everyday
4. I'm not as close with my sister as I want to be
5. I was suicidal at one point
6. I always wish I could be someone else
7. I'm very self conscious
8. I'm not very open with people
9. I hate hot weather because of the summer of 2009
10. I love jazz music
11. I need people around me
12. I'm so indecisive
13. I didn't realize how needy I was capable of being (a little embarrassing)
14. I'm so scared of matches (like to light fire) haha

Kinda ran out of things to say lolol

-GJW

I seriously gotta see JQ more often. I haven't seen that kid that much this summer, I've just been so busy. It bums me out a lot because I love that kid to death. Gonna try and squeeze him in anyway I can because he's going back early august.

I miss him so much.....

Sad at the way my summer turned out,

-GJW

Boys who play guitar, electric or acoustic, are overrated. Honestly, which boy doesn't play the guitar?!?! Switch it up, play the drums! That shit is hella interesting. Play the bass guitar, play some jazz music, just play anything OTHER than the guitar. Don't get me wrong, it does require talent, but when everyone does it, it gets blase.

All the guys at my college play the guitar...ugh, CAN WE GET SOME VARIETY!?! There only so many open mic shows I can go to where 8 out of 10 acts are guys (sometimes girls too) showcasing their skills on the guitar and sub par voices. Am I the only girl who would pick a boy who plays trumpet over a boy who plays guitar? LOL, it just shows diversity.

With that said, I'm not discouraging guitar players or attacking them at all!

-GJW

Day 1: 15 basic facts about you

Hmmm, lemme see

1. I wear glasses LOL (super basic :P)
2. I'm a DJ
3. I love listening to music
4. I hated my roommate in freshman year
5. The Godfather is my favorite movie
6. Vans are my absolute favorite shoes to wear
7. I drive a hella old car -_____- (I still love it though!)
8. I have a really sensitive stomach 
9. I LOVE the real housewives of anything! Lol, that's embarrassing
10. I hate my phone -_____-
11. I have an older sister
12. History and economics are my jam! 
13. I love wearing collared shirts
14. I LOVE DRAKE hehe
15. I love being on music before it comes up!

That's about it. Some of these were stupid (I was running out of things to say!). Some might be basic and some might not be. I think they're all basic facts about me, but I have no clue lolol. Hope ya enjoy.

-GJW

I'm so bored -______- I'll provide some entertainment for you and me!

So these things are always so fun to do! It provides a little bit of entertainment which is always nice :)

15 Day Challenge

• 15 basic facts about you
• 14 not so basic facts about you
• 13 ways you break the ice
• 12 signs you're into someone
• 11 signs you're not into someone
• 9 things that make you happy
• 8 things you are known for
• 7 things you want to do
• 6 things you'll never do
• 5 good things about you
• 4 bad things about you
• 3 ways to make you cry
• 2 ways to win your heart
• 1 thing you need to say

-GJW

Now Playing

Fever-Maps and Atlases

When did I start liking this kind of stuff??!?!? Hahaha, it's a nice change :) and I love it

-GJW

I've never been the type to cry over this kinda stuff so idk why I've picked it up all of a sudden. I hate crying

I want to feel like a priority....

I'm being selfish in this situation, I know. It's human nature to be selfish, but I need to put my selfishness aside and realize you were busy and will be busy. There's no point in crying because of my selfishness but I can't help it.

I don't want the tears to come out.

I hella wanna be a

drug dealer...I don't know what got into me, but I was talking to my uncle about selling weed while he grows it and he was super down. The second time we've had this conversation and it's sounding pretty good LOL. I know it's not going to happen, but the thought of being a drug dealer seems pretty nice right now. Maybe because I don't have any money and I'm looking for ANY source of income.

In a weird mood,

-GJW

She wore a lovely skirt today and she knows dasss my favorite lolol. I was skyping with LM and her and LM was trying to tell me a story, but Ariel's back was towards me; kinda hard for me to focus on LM's story LOL. I wonder if she's going to read this...if she does, hella embarrassing but oh well! I post what I wanna! :P

That was pretty much me.

-GJW

She is my Cleopatra

She's workin at the pyramid, the jewel of Africa. But what good is a jewel that aint still precious? Pimpin in my convos, got rubies in my damn chain, whip aint got no gas tank

-GJW

If you're mad at me you are, there's nothing I can do about it. I hate when you're angry at me, I hate being silent, I hate being sad. I hate tears

Shouts out to all the grandmas

Grandmas should be treated like queens, man. My grandma is a queen and there is no denying that. When my mom was 7 years old, my grandpa passed away (to this day they've never told me how) and my grandma handled it like a true champion. She put 3 kids through college and put her money in investments. Now she has some land in India that she's making bank off of STILL and can't nobody bring her down. Even at this age, she's hustlin, she's travelling, and she's taking time to take care of all her grand kids. I love this lady so much. There might be a language barrier because I don't speak the best Punjabi, but she still listens to me and answers as if I'm speaking it fluently. She asks me how my day is and wants to interact with me. When she wants to, she'll randomly just give me money. She always makes sure there's food for me to eat. This lady is a true queen and she has endured so much in her lifetime. I look at her and this overwhelming feeling of appreciation flows through me. I love her so much.

Shouts out to my other grandma (my dad's mom). She passed away almost two months ago. It was the most difficult day of my life. She died of leukemia (not sure though cuz they never tell me anything). I loved her so much too. She was a queen, always tryna take care of me. Her and my grandpa gave all 5 of their grand kids shares of Charles Shwab and Intel. That money helped me get through my first year of college and will continue to help me. She provided so many laughs and memories. Me trying to teach her some real slang and her actually saying it back! Shouts out to Ariel for consoling me during that difficult time too. If I ever go back to England, I'm gonna go back to the factory my grandma worked at and set it on fire. That's how she contracted leukemia. I'm gonna burn the whole place down. They took my grandma away. A grandma who was still fully capable of living, but they had to infect her with carcinogens. It still gets to me that she died, sometimes I wanna cry for her to come back. Sometimes I offer to give everything up for her to come back, but that's foolish and silly of me. She's not coming back ever. Here it comes, that lump in my throat right before I'm about to get emotional. I loved her so much and I still do. Yeah leukemia got her one day, but I got those memories of us straight chillin forever.

"So that make you a queen, surviving everything"-Nas

-GJW

Songs that are really worthy of listening

Here's a list of a few songs (or a lot!) that are truly worthy of listening. No Big Sean, Katy Perry, Rihanna, only real-er stuff.

Without further ado, here ya go!

• Radio-Lana Del Rey
• Off to the Races-Lana Del Rey
• Ungirthed-Purity Ring
• Your Ex-Lover is Dead-Stars
• Soft Shock-Yeah Yeah Yeahs
• Feel It All Around-Washed Out
• Seconds (Syd Tha Kyd remix)-Little Dragon
• Ridin-A$AP Rocky Ft. Lana Del Rey
• Cartoon and Cereal-Kendrick Lamar
• Set the Tone-Logic
• Customized Greatly-Casey Veggies
• Timbs-MellowHigh
• Rella-Odd Future
• She-Tyler, The Creator Ft. Frank Ocean 
• Cut Me Out-MNDR
• Bang Bang Bang-Mark Ronson
• Pyramids-Frank Ocean
• Dust-Frank Ocean
• Swim Good-Frank Ocean
• PDA-Frank Ocean
• My Love-Irie Love
• Years (Jakob Liedholm remix)-Alesso
• Pressure-Nadia Ali
• IDGAFOS (D.Veloped remix)-Dillon Francis
• Paris (Aeroplane remix) -Friendly Fires
• Antidote-Swedish House Mafia
• The Morning-The Weeknd
• What You Need-The Weeknd
• The Knowing-The Weeknd
• Initiation-The Weeknd

I hope you like some of these songs, they're all very good in their own way

-GJW

Job: DJ Currently: Unemployed due to fraud

I don't consider myself a DJ; a real DJ knows what they're doing, I half ass it. I've fooled this many people into thinking I'm a real DJ, but deep down inside I know I'm not. The things I've done so far don't involve talent, I guess I'm just a true con man. I keep wondering when people will realize.

People believe, so I gotta give it to em. Come September 29th, I'll have another dance to DJ-by then I need to cut the bullshit and become a true DJ.

-GJW

Me

Shoot, I'ma just say it, I love Frank Ocean-like forreal. I just spent like 20 minutes on his tumblr and I love the guy. He's my new obsession-he's talented, real, attractive, pained, and true. He's so much more than that too. He hasn't been jaded by fame; The Weeknd has changed by the fame...

But this blog is kinda split into two. The second part will be all the things I want to do with AP:

-I want to go to San Francisco with her and make a fantastic day out of it
-I want to go to Coachella (basically road trip it down to LA)
-I want to go to the Florence and the Machine concert with her
-I want to go to a museum with her (preferably modern art)

As of now, though, she's going to San Francisco with her ex boyfriend and our friend LM...I wonder if she reads this still.

-GJW

http://frankocean.tumblr.com/post/26473798723

Read this when you get a chance-my love for Frank Ocean only multiplies after this because it rings so true, you can feel his hurt and pain

-GJW

I miss Ariel a whole lot. Today it was especially worse than other days. Sigh....

-GJW

Being a fair weather friend

The funny thing about this blog, is that when things are going well for me in my life, I won't post for a while.

Hence the title, I only come to this blog, when I need to let out my thoughts. When everything is going well, I don't bother to post about it, but I should! This blog isn't here just for me to document my negative thoughts and feelings and insecurities! It's here for me to document my daily shenanigans :P (with a joke in there, you can tell I'm in a good mood! Not to mention all the dozens of playlists that I've made saying "happy" "a wonderful duo" instead of "insecure"!)

To do a quick recap, I went down and visited AP again, and it was wonderful! The main reason I went down was to see Dev, but I'll address that later. I miss AP so much and I want to see her again. Hopefully tomorrow I can surprise her, but there's a lot of stuff I need to get done. On top of that my car's kinda old and has a lot of miles on it, so I'm not sure if I can take it. Hopefully I can though, because what else am I going to be doing at home AND I'd like to visit AP with some actual means of transportation lolol.

It's late, and I promise to fill you all in later about things!

-GJW

My tears dry on their own 

Don't give up on us

I don't wanna wait in vain for your love 

I feel so close to you right now, it's a force field

You are my king of hearts

I wanted you to that I am ready to go, heartbeat, my heartbeat

Hang me up to dry, you've wrung me out too, too many times

Whenever you call me, I'll be there, I'll be around

How I'm feeling, it doesn't matter, cuz you know I'm ok, and still I ask myself why do you hurt me when you know I'm the same. They try to take you away from me, over my dead body

F*ck that n*gga that you love so bad, and since you picked up, I know he's not around. And I'll start hating only if you make me

Trust issues

I just really hope that you think of me cuz I'm trying to be unforgettable

You give me a feeling that I've never felt before, it's becoming something impossible to ignore

We're under the sheets and you're killing me

Do you know what it feels like loving someone who's in a rush to through you away

And the love kickstarts again

I would do ANYTHING for you

I want your PDA

Leave the past behind, just walk away, and the cracks begin to show

It's like she loves, and then she loves me not, 

Nobody's perfect, but you're perfect for me

You gotta act like a woman, but think like a man

I got that summertime sadness

Cuz you the one that taught me how to hate a bitch

You don't have to leave

Please don't go

Cut me out

I was just a token, everything is broken

Cuz you aint gon tie me down

You and me, we used to be together, everyday together

I know you like to think your shit dont stank, but lean a lil bit closer see roses really smell like poo

All the missed calls got me thinking, maybe I'm trippin, but I want you to feel the other side

I mean I've always been the time to know when to stop

I'll never be your beast of burden

When did your heart go missing? I treat you like a princess

Packin up with tears in my eyes, it's a past time I'm used to

But I never knew love could feel like a heart attack

We reached the climax (I hope we haven't)

How do you get up from an all time low?

We might as well be playing with lightning :)

Didn't I hold you close? 

Let me go, you let me down

Teleport to me

They don't love you like I love you

It's a sharp shock to my soft side

There's a mix of emotions I'm feeling. I do know that in order for me to receive 100%, I need to give it. I'm too scared to give 100%. 

She loves me, and I know it. I love her. So what the hell am I afraid of?

-GJW

Deactivating my facebook?

In the summertime especially, I'll think to myself "I have nothing to do, I'm so bored, I'm so lazy, what do I do?" Well, often times I find myself on Facebook, stalking people I went to high school and college with. I'll check so often throughout the day with no updates, it gets boring.

Also, Facebook is a prime place for my hatred of my "friends" to flourish; it's a wonderful site to snoop around and find out things about other people you normally wouldn't have found out. I want to deactivate my Facebook, but the stalker in me can't seem to do it. I will, however, try and cut down how much time I spend on the social networking site. It's not healthy, and everyone I want to see, I have their phone numbers so I can contact them like that. It's not going to be easy to implement that, but the change will be healthy and good for me. I'm so dependent on my laptop that a few minutes away is such a hard thing to do. This past year, I became VERY dependent on technology and that needs to go down.

A change I've already tried (and it's been successful so far!) is to stop bringing my cell phone on daily walks that I go on. Right now, my phone is charging in a corner in my mom's office, and I haven't felt the overwhelming urge to look at it (I won't lie, there is an urge to check it right now but not as strong as it would have probably been before-I probably wouldn't even have put it across the office, hidden).

Right now, I do feel the need to check my Facebook. The thing is I know that I don't have any notifications, but I still NEED to check it. I will try my very hardest to resist and check my Facebook at a later time in the day.

The problem is that my dependency on sites like these has become so strong, that I find myself have little meaning when I'm not on them. I don't know what to do with myself! I get off my laptop, try and read a book, only to come back 30 minutes later. It's a feeling of lost purpose without my laptop. This is going to be quite a challenge, but I need to better myself.

I'm trying everything in the book to be happy again....

-GJW

Should I be concerned that 2 days ago she had dinner with DO and today she friend requested her ex boyfriend?

Fuck these insecurities, they keep looming over me and I just can't get rid of it. KA had a point, maybe I should let down my walls. But how do you do that?

-GJW

Would You Hate Me If I ___________?

So the title is a little bizarre, I know. It's a mixtape by Campa, part of The Cataracs. I was driving with my cousin back home from college and she forced me to listen to it. It's not half bad, but it's a lot more significant than it's musical value. This mixtape always reminds me of AP. I think that was the first time that I realized I had legitimate feelings for her; it was also the when she met DO. But I'm going to associate it with a good memory :)

It's not the best mixtape I've ever heard; it's actually quite bad. But the memory I associate it with makes it one of the best mixtapes I've ever heard. The play counts for the songs are quite high :)

In a good mood,

-GJW

Stop going back and forth and hurting me. Make your mind up and then play with my heart. You've done this from the very start and foolish me, I've fallen for it every time.

-GJW

I love Ariel :) It's different than anytime before. Different than J, BB, DG, everyone. It's different but in a good way. She's wonderful.

-GJW

You know, I'm tired of hating people. I'm tired of using so much of my energy on hating or finding things wrong with people. I'm tired of spending so much time looking at the negative aspects of people. We're all different, so why can't I accept that? I always say "Do you, and Ima do me," but I rarely ever listen to it. Instead I let so many things get under my skin and annoy me. Well I'm tired of doing that.

From now on, I'm going to try and hate less and let people live. I don't want to say "don't hate, appreciate" because if I do find something annoying about someone I don't want to appreciate; I just want to say "live your life, and I'll live mine."

I don't really know how this change will be implemented, but I plan on implementing and noticing a difference. I want to spread positivity and live in it.

Weird little rant I went on, but this morning got me thinking.

-GJW

T-10 minutes

Nervous because I'm about to meet J and we're going to sit down and talk. We're actually going to talk in the park that we used to hangout at last summer. I don't know what to expect from him so I haven't prepared anything. Hoping for the best but expecting the worst. I don't even know what the best is. What happens, happens.

Come what may.

-GJW

I made a promise to myself that this blog would always be anonymous. No one I'd know would know about it.

Well, that changed yesterday evening. Yesterday, I helped AP find it and she did just that-she found it. She has been a big topic for my blog, and I am a little scared for future postings. But, I told myself that I was going to be as honest as I could be with this blog, and I plan on honoring that. I will try my very hardest to continue posting unfiltered, unedited blogs because this blog is for me, not for anyone else.

As for AP's reaction (as well as mine) to her reading my blog, that'll have to wait because right now I still have to go to my community classes and get the class I need!!!!

-GJW

It's a sharp shock to your soft side

In one of those moods again where I want to blog multiple times a day. Right now I should be going to my community college to sort out classes, but this song gets me every time.

It's Soft Shock by the Yeah Yeah Yeahs. This song is undoubtedly, for me, a very moving song. And for the longest time I couldn't figure out what the lyrics meant.

Here are the lyrics:

Unknown, talk to unknown
Ever, lasts forever
Well it's a sharp, shock to your soft side
Summer moon
Catch your shut eyes in your room
In my room
In your room
In my room

Louder, lips speak louder
Better, back together
Still it's a shock, shock to your soft side
Summer moon
Catch your shut eyes in my room
In your room
In my room
In your room

Whats the time
Whats the day
Go and leave me
Whats the time [Repeat x2]
Whats the place
Go and leave me

Out,

Leave me out [Repeat x3]

The first verse is where the title comes from too. I've tried to decipher and analyze the lyrics so many times. 


What I've come up with so far:


It's about two lovers and the narrator (the singer) is realizing that what they had is coming to an end. "Unknown talk to unknown" could mean the singer and her lover; "Ever, lasts forever" could imply that the singer thought that it would last forever-even further, it could mean that whatever they had is going to last forever even if it ends because it happened and the memory of it will last on. 


The next line, the title of this post "Well it's a sharp, shock to your soft side" is very profound and meaningful for me. Even though the singer has anticipated what is going to happen (the breakup) it still stings and is still very shocking. The soft side could be the vulnerable state you enter when you go into a relationship. No matter the anticipation, it hurts nonetheless. The title of the song "Soft Shock" is also very meaningful. It is impossible to be shocked gently-a shock always hurts. Karen O is not saying that the shock is soft or gentle; she is saying that the shock is hurting a soft part of all human beings. No matter how much we want to shield our soft, vulnerable, emotional side, we can't. The shock will penetrate any shield or fortress trying to protect it. 


The next lines "Summer Moon, Catch your shut eye in your room, in my room, in your room, in my room" is still very confusing for me. Perhaps the summer moon is the singer who is trying to catch the shut eyes of her lover. She knows there's no point in trying to catch his eye because his eyes (emotions) are shut from her. The alternating "in your room, in my room" can be interpreted so many ways too. It could possibly mean that they used to be a unit but now the unit is split into two again, no longer sharing the room. 


After the 1st verse, Karen O whispers "try to talk." This in itself is an obvious line to decipher, but the significance is the way she says that line. She whispers it which, to me, implies that the communication is gone, like the love. 

"Louder, lips speak louder" insinuates that there is talks about getting back together. For me it also reveals the singer's desperation to get back with her lover. She will listen to anything he says to get back together. 

In this verse, the alternation of "in your room, in my room" is significant because in this verse she starts of saying "in my room." Even after she realizes it's ending she can't stop calling it her room. I'm not too sure. 

The last verse "What's the time, what's the day, go and leave me, what's the time, what's the place, go and leave me" She knows he's going to leave her, but I can't get further on it than that. 

That's what I have for that song, of course my interpretation is not the only one, but that's how I take it. That songs speaks to me so much. Maybe because Karen O sang the line "It's a sharp shock to your soft side" which isn't a common thing to sing in a song, yet is so common in life. 

-GJW

It's gonna be a sharp shock to my soft side, not yours. 

SOO MUCH TO FILL IN

So much, so incredibly much to fill you all in. Where to begin?

I guess I'll fill you in with me and AP and DO and J. After a long time, AP broke up with DO meaning she was all in with me. For a while now, I've been wanting to be all in with AP but there was a lot of fear and insecurity that she would leave me for him-as disgusting as it sounds, that's why I held on to J. That and because I didn't know how or when to break up with him. Throughout all of this he doesn't know that I've been cheating on him. He doesn't deserve a girl who cheats on him. So I broke up with him about 2 weeks ago. I told him I'm going through something and can't handle a relationship-he wouldn't have it, but now he's used to the idea. Tomorrow I'm going to meet up with him and sit down and talk about it.

He texted me saying "lets talk" and then said "I don't have much to say so it won't take long"

       -He's trying to show me I'm not a priority like I used to be
     
I am concerned for a few things. I still want to be his friend-we were really good friends before this, and I want to continue that. I love him as a friend. I've known him for 4+ years. He was there for a lot of high and low points in my life, and I still want him to be there. I'm just scared he's going to not want to be friends. If that's the case, I messed up hard. But how can he completely disregard the past 4 years? Hopefully he won't.

Sometimes, I get scared and want to be back with him...it's this game of emotional ping pong. But then I look back at it and ask why? The whole time I was with him, I thought of AP. I want her not him. I want him as a friend. Whenever I got a text from him, I hoped it was AP; when he called me, it was a burden to pick up; when he said "I love you," I echoed with an empty, hollow "I love you."

People have told me time and time again that he's a great guy. And I know that. I'm just not a great girl. He deserves someone who can see how wonderful he is.

Before I conclude this, I'd like to say: I'm sorry. I'm sorry for dragging you into this. I'm sorry for forcing you to go through this. I'm sorry I was so selfish. I'm sorry I didn't let you be free from the start. I'm sorry for being so abusive. I'm sorry for wasting your freshman year. I love you, but I'm not right for you. I don't love you the way you love me.

"We Are Going to be Friends"-The White Stripes
      I hope this can be us, but just like the song, there's a hint of sadness for us.

-GJW

I guess I'm back to listening to Heart Attack by Trey Songz. When is all of this going to be over and make me really happy?

"Even here inside these walls breaking each others hearts, And we don't care cause we're in so, In too deep can't think about giving it up"-Even though AP and I are hurting each other, I don't care because that one moment where everything is all right is the best moment. We're in way too deep, and at this point so emotionally invested that the thought of giving it up crosses my mind but leaves as quickly as it enters. 

Waiting Up-Riz Ft. Drake

"I know there's other people that you talk to, But I just hate getting any proof shown to me"-I know you talk to DO, more than that-you're in a relationship with him, and I see it. I'm there when you guys are together. But seeing it is just a bitter reminder.

"I wonder if I should call you, But then again you never call me, And I'm just looking at my phone girl, and the last 3 messages are all me"-I look at my phone hoping that maybe she'll text me. The moment of looking at my screen has so much pressure, only to be a let down.


-GJW

Why do you always change your feelings? I don't mind you being with him (I don't have a choice if you want him), but please don't tell me that you only want me and then have a good time with him. Don't bring my hopes up please. I remember how I felt 2 weeks ago-the best feeling ever. And that feeling was taken away so quickly. It took so long for it to come, and a day or two to be erased.