SOO MUCH TO FILL IN

So much, so incredibly much to fill you all in. Where to begin?

I guess I'll fill you in with me and AP and DO and J. After a long time, AP broke up with DO meaning she was all in with me. For a while now, I've been wanting to be all in with AP but there was a lot of fear and insecurity that she would leave me for him-as disgusting as it sounds, that's why I held on to J. That and because I didn't know how or when to break up with him. Throughout all of this he doesn't know that I've been cheating on him. He doesn't deserve a girl who cheats on him. So I broke up with him about 2 weeks ago. I told him I'm going through something and can't handle a relationship-he wouldn't have it, but now he's used to the idea. Tomorrow I'm going to meet up with him and sit down and talk about it.

He texted me saying "lets talk" and then said "I don't have much to say so it won't take long"

       -He's trying to show me I'm not a priority like I used to be
     
I am concerned for a few things. I still want to be his friend-we were really good friends before this, and I want to continue that. I love him as a friend. I've known him for 4+ years. He was there for a lot of high and low points in my life, and I still want him to be there. I'm just scared he's going to not want to be friends. If that's the case, I messed up hard. But how can he completely disregard the past 4 years? Hopefully he won't.

Sometimes, I get scared and want to be back with him...it's this game of emotional ping pong. But then I look back at it and ask why? The whole time I was with him, I thought of AP. I want her not him. I want him as a friend. Whenever I got a text from him, I hoped it was AP; when he called me, it was a burden to pick up; when he said "I love you," I echoed with an empty, hollow "I love you."

People have told me time and time again that he's a great guy. And I know that. I'm just not a great girl. He deserves someone who can see how wonderful he is.

Before I conclude this, I'd like to say: I'm sorry. I'm sorry for dragging you into this. I'm sorry for forcing you to go through this. I'm sorry I was so selfish. I'm sorry I didn't let you be free from the start. I'm sorry for being so abusive. I'm sorry for wasting your freshman year. I love you, but I'm not right for you. I don't love you the way you love me.

"We Are Going to be Friends"-The White Stripes
      I hope this can be us, but just like the song, there's a hint of sadness for us.

-GJW