I never fail to

get emotional when I think of February and March. So many "what ifs" go through my mind, so many regrets go through me. What if I had just been more open with AP? Would she have felt that I'm more disposable or less? What if I had made an effort to show her what she meant to me rather than wait around for her to keep telling me? What if I had not been so passive and shown that I was hurt? What if  I had shown her that she was gradually meaning more and more to me than J was?

So many what ifs? But honestly, if DO never came into the picture, I never would have known how strongly I felt. The pain and sadness that ran through our bodies would have never been known to the pair of us had we not seen each other with other people. That pain and sadness was a sign that we truly did have feelings for the other person. But we were foolish, we were scared. The nausea and agony should have been clues, but we were scared-scared that we were disposable to each other. So we quietly held on to the little bit of each other that we thought we had of us. I thought I was disposable to her and she thought she was disposable to me.

Sometimes I like to ponder and wonder. Why of these times? Times that people would love to erase. And I'm not sure. I'm not sure why I like to sit and think of one of the most difficult times of my first year.

In one of those moods again.

-GJW