I've thought about it long and hard

And I've come to the conclusion that it takes a special (not necessarily in a good way) person to truly want two people. What with the Kristen Stewart scandal, my own story, and HG's I've realized that.

When I was in a relationship with J and AP it was obvious that I only wanted one. I looked forward to one person's texts more, being with that person more, wanting to kiss them, missing them when we were apart, wanting to Skype with them for long periods of time. There comes a point in a situation like that where you just realize you don't want two people. Yes, sometimes I wanted nothing more than J's affection, but at the end of the day, who did I want to spend more time with? Even now, I sometimes think about J but I stop myself because I chose someone else. Someone I actually wanted to be with. Yes, J's constant affection was wonderful and it made me go back for more. But was he the person I wanted to see everyday? No, he wasn't. I didn't mind not seeing him in a while.

In a situation like that, you mentally shut down to the person you feel less affection towards. If you are not a "special" human being (see first sentence), you will love one person more than the other. That is the person you choose. You continue to be in the relationship with the person you love less for other reasons. Not necessarily because you love them. You want to know the real reason I continued to stay in the relationship with J? Because I wasn't sure what was going to happen with me and AP especially after everything with DO, because part of me did still want J to an extent, because there never was a right time to say goodbye. But in the back of my mind, I knew it was best for both of us to say our goodbyes. He's free now to see whomever he wants to, someone that will be oh so good to him, be honest, be truthful. I want to see him with another girl, someone that really does love him and won't abuse the love he gives.

 It takes a selfish, disgusting, incredibly insecure human being to want more than one significant other. The affection of two people? It makes you feel on top of the world. But no, that's not what you want. You, as a human being, crave stability. Stability in cheating? Impossible. Our need for stability and security outweighs our need to feed our egos with multiple loves.

These are the thoughts that go through my mind every single day. Ever since I did that to J, I have been haunted by what I did. No matter who I tell, what advice I get, it will haunt me. Haunt me because I became what I never wanted to be. I am what people consider disgusting. I am the one thing people loathe...I cheated and the guilt of cheating is my punishment.

-GJW