Here's what I want to say (and may not want to say) but I'm too afraid to...maybe I will send it.
Dear Ariel,
I am afraid ever since last Sunday that you're done with this, with me. I suffer in silence. I just want to know the truth. I have been conditioned to believe that every relationship is built on lies, can you blame me? I mean look at where we came from, look at HG. I know nothing other than lies. Show me otherwise please. I'm sorry for giving you a hard time and pushing you to say what you did a week ago. I never could have imagined how busy you really were until I saw it when I visited you a few days ago. I see that your day, unlike mine, has little free time for you to do what you please. It saddens and hurts me that I couldn't even see that. It brings tears to my eyes that I was so selfish. I was selfish for thinking you did nothing. You are cracking under that weight and I never even knew it. You have so much to worry about. Me-I have too much free time, my mind forces me to go to the most negative corner of my heart and rot there; rot there with the thoughts, ideas, and feelings that are untrue. Communicate with me please. Just communicate with me. I am partially to blame for the lack of communication, however. I'm afraid if I tell you what I really feel (like how I am with this letter) you will turn the other way, ignore it, get mad, not want to listen. That's worse than dealing with it by myself.
We were inseparable at one point. We always did things together. I wouldn't have it any other way and neither would you. Now, that's gone. That's what I cry for. I want you to show me that I still mean something to you. I'm sorry you had to see the needy side of me. I've never been needy like this and I hate it. It stems from being conditioned to believe that every relationship has lies. It stems from lack of communication. Tell me what you're thinking, tell me what you feel. We agreed yesterday that 5 months is a long time to be in a relationship. The way you said it made it sound like there was more behind your words but it was hidden away from me. Ariel, please tell me what you really think. I want to hear it and respond. Respond with something that will make it better. But you're not letting me do that.
Looking through everything it kind of looks like flame became only a small spark. Maybe it's all in my head. Maybe I'm holding onto the past memories of a different time (even if it was only 2 months ago). I mean let's go step by step through the process. February you tried oh so hard to get me to kiss you. It finally happened-February 24th haha. March, you found DO, but you still tried to let me know I meant something to you. April, you had the both of us, but you ended up choosing me. May, you did a wonderful job at taking care of me when I needed you. June, we were apart but you tried to show that I meant something to you. July, that took a dip. There was a time where you didn't respond to my texts or calls. Why the sudden shift? What did I do? What could've caused this? And why didn't you tell me how you felt? Those were the thoughts going through my mind. It was agony. That was a week and a half ago. I saw you a few days ago. I was so worried something might have changed. And maybe something did. I changed. I acquired a new attitude. I became more understanding.
This is my fault. I feel this way, but I don't think you do. I think you believe everything is fine. And why shouldn't you? The moment I see you, Ariel, all that sadness melts away. I forget everything I stated above. But this time was different. More than anything I wanted to tell you the truth. Tell you everything I feel. But I didn't. Why add more stress to your life when you are dealing with so much there? I don't want to. I don't want you to deal with more. So I deal with it myself. I want to be open with you, but who knew being open would be so hard?
There's fear on your side too. I can see it. I'm a new feel for you (just like you are for me, neither of us knows what to expect). You're afraid, whether you want to hear it or not. You said the old you would've broken it off within a month or 2, but something told you not to. Listen to what it is saying. There's a reason it told you not to break it off. Why? Think about it. The old you was afraid, afraid of getting hurt, so why not hurt that person before they hurt you? I understand, but I don't plan on hurting, no matter how angry I get. I never have been the type of person to hurt someone I love. Your fear of dependency prevents you from being completely in this. Someone hurt you when you let your guard down. I understand that. I let my guard down and got hurt too. Trust is so essential in this. I hope that I've proven to you that I don't want to hurt you.
I'm not here to hurt you, nor will I ever be. I hope you will say the same. I want to communicate with you so badly. I want to tell you if I'm feeling sad or hurt by you. I want you to listen. And I want to do the same. I want to know if I am hurting you or making you sad. If I am, I want to stop.
This letter was written with as much love as I've given to you since the beginning.
Before I conclude this, I just want to know. Do you still get excited or happy when I text or call you? The same way I do? The same way I get happy? Or has that feeling gone? Don't look at the surface for that answer. Look deep inside, look at the same place that told you not to break it off after a month. And I'll be praying to a God that the answer is that you do get happy.
Sincerely,
_____________________
-GJW
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