Gonna hangout with my cousin today!! So excited :) I love hanging out with her. It's finally feeling like summer again! Thank the lord, I needed this so so badly.

-GJW

On cloud 9 biatchesss! Had a great weekend and cant NOTHING bring me down

Can't catch a break from my sister

Can't catch a break from a bitch I thought I drop kicked ages ago aka SSM...bitch has infiltrated so many people from my high school

Nobody said it's easy for a player. I have learned this directly. Warning, it is not easy out there for a player.

-GJW

I've thought about it long and hard

And I've come to the conclusion that it takes a special (not necessarily in a good way) person to truly want two people. What with the Kristen Stewart scandal, my own story, and HG's I've realized that.

When I was in a relationship with J and AP it was obvious that I only wanted one. I looked forward to one person's texts more, being with that person more, wanting to kiss them, missing them when we were apart, wanting to Skype with them for long periods of time. There comes a point in a situation like that where you just realize you don't want two people. Yes, sometimes I wanted nothing more than J's affection, but at the end of the day, who did I want to spend more time with? Even now, I sometimes think about J but I stop myself because I chose someone else. Someone I actually wanted to be with. Yes, J's constant affection was wonderful and it made me go back for more. But was he the person I wanted to see everyday? No, he wasn't. I didn't mind not seeing him in a while.

In a situation like that, you mentally shut down to the person you feel less affection towards. If you are not a "special" human being (see first sentence), you will love one person more than the other. That is the person you choose. You continue to be in the relationship with the person you love less for other reasons. Not necessarily because you love them. You want to know the real reason I continued to stay in the relationship with J? Because I wasn't sure what was going to happen with me and AP especially after everything with DO, because part of me did still want J to an extent, because there never was a right time to say goodbye. But in the back of my mind, I knew it was best for both of us to say our goodbyes. He's free now to see whomever he wants to, someone that will be oh so good to him, be honest, be truthful. I want to see him with another girl, someone that really does love him and won't abuse the love he gives.

 It takes a selfish, disgusting, incredibly insecure human being to want more than one significant other. The affection of two people? It makes you feel on top of the world. But no, that's not what you want. You, as a human being, crave stability. Stability in cheating? Impossible. Our need for stability and security outweighs our need to feed our egos with multiple loves.

These are the thoughts that go through my mind every single day. Ever since I did that to J, I have been haunted by what I did. No matter who I tell, what advice I get, it will haunt me. Haunt me because I became what I never wanted to be. I am what people consider disgusting. I am the one thing people loathe...I cheated and the guilt of cheating is my punishment.

-GJW

Bend that ass over, bitch I'm here for a reason

What I wanna say to AP hahaha, not in a bad way, just in a "you got a nice ass" LOL

A letter to my dear AP

Here's what I want to say (and may not want to say) but I'm too afraid to...maybe I will send it.

Dear Ariel,

I am afraid ever since last Sunday that you're done with this, with me. I suffer in silence. I just want to know the truth. I have been conditioned to believe that every relationship is built on lies, can you blame me? I mean look at where we came from, look at HG. I know nothing other than lies. Show me otherwise please. I'm sorry for giving you a hard time and pushing you to say what you did a week ago. I never could have imagined how busy you really were until I saw it when I visited you a few days ago. I see that your day, unlike mine, has little free time for you to do what you please. It saddens and hurts me that I couldn't even see that. It brings tears to my eyes that I was so selfish. I was selfish for thinking you did nothing. You are cracking under that weight and I never even knew it. You have so much to worry about. Me-I have too much free time, my mind forces me to go to the most negative corner of my heart and rot there; rot there with the thoughts, ideas, and feelings that are untrue. Communicate with me please. Just communicate with me. I am partially to blame for the lack of communication, however. I'm afraid if I tell you what I really feel (like how I am with this letter) you will turn the other way, ignore it, get mad, not want to listen. That's worse than dealing with it by myself.

We were inseparable at one point. We always did things together. I wouldn't have it any other way and neither would you. Now, that's gone. That's what I cry for. I want you to show me that I still mean something to you. I'm sorry you had to see the needy side of me. I've never been needy like this and I hate it. It stems from being conditioned to believe that every relationship has lies. It stems from lack of communication. Tell me what you're thinking, tell me what you feel. We agreed yesterday that 5 months is a long time to be in a relationship. The way you said it made it sound like there was more behind your words but it was hidden away from me. Ariel, please tell me what you really think. I want to hear it and respond. Respond with something that will make it better. But you're not letting me do that.

Looking through everything it kind of looks like flame became only a small spark. Maybe it's all in my head. Maybe I'm holding onto the past memories of a different time (even if it was only 2 months ago). I mean let's go step by step through the process. February you tried oh so hard to get me to kiss you. It finally happened-February 24th haha. March, you found DO, but you still tried to let me know I meant something to you. April, you had the both of us, but you ended up choosing me. May, you did a wonderful job at taking care of me when I needed you. June, we were apart but you tried to show that I meant something to you. July, that took a dip. There was a time where you didn't respond to my texts or calls. Why the sudden shift? What did I do? What could've caused this? And why didn't you tell me how you felt? Those were the thoughts going through my mind. It was agony. That was a week and a half ago. I saw you a few days ago. I was so worried something might have changed. And maybe something did. I changed. I acquired a new attitude. I became more understanding.

This is my fault. I feel this way, but I don't think you do. I think you believe everything is fine. And why shouldn't you? The moment I see you, Ariel, all that sadness melts away. I forget everything I stated above. But this time was different. More than anything I wanted to tell you the truth. Tell you everything I feel. But I didn't. Why add more stress to your life when you are dealing with so much there? I don't want to. I don't want you to deal with more. So I deal with it myself. I want to be open with you, but who knew being open would be so hard?

There's fear on your side too. I can see it. I'm a new feel for you (just like you are for me, neither of us knows what to expect). You're afraid, whether you want to hear it or not. You said the old you would've broken it off within a month or 2, but something told you not to. Listen to what it is saying. There's a reason it told you not to break it off. Why? Think about it. The old you was afraid, afraid of getting hurt, so why not hurt that person before they hurt you? I understand, but I don't plan on hurting, no matter how angry I get. I never have been the type of person to hurt someone I love. Your fear of dependency prevents you from being completely in this. Someone hurt you when you let your guard down. I understand that. I let my guard down and got hurt too. Trust is so essential in this. I hope that I've proven to you that I don't want to hurt you.

I'm not here to hurt you, nor will I ever be. I hope you will say the same. I want to communicate with you so badly. I want to tell you if I'm feeling sad or hurt by you. I want you to listen. And I want to do the same. I want to know if I am hurting you or making you sad. If I am, I want to stop.

This letter was written with as much love as I've given to you since the beginning.

Before I conclude this, I just want to know. Do you still get excited or happy when I text or call you? The same way I do? The same way I get happy? Or has that feeling gone? Don't look at the surface for that answer. Look deep inside, look at the same place that told you not to break it off after a month. And I'll be praying to a God that the answer is that you do get happy.

Sincerely,

_____________________

-GJW

I was a little angry in the last post. In due time you come to realize, not everything is as bad as it seems....

**at the end of the day, you are the only person that matters. Look out for yourself, not for others. They'll hurt you. You won't hurt yourself. When you do hurt yourself is due to the actions of others.

This pimple is not getting any smaller as the days go by -________-

I have an interview tomorrow and I may see AP tomorrow...with a pimple?!?!? Awww shucks

Sucks to suck...and this time I suck

-GJW

Too many bottles of this wine we can't pronounce

Super rich kids...

Hehe title has nothing to do with the post. I'm posting because tomorrow I might go and visit AP. I hope I can! It'll have almost been 3 weeks since I've seen her last. Wow, a lot can happen in 3 weeks haha. I want to see her, but I wonder if it there will be a difference. I'm nervous, but I want to see her oh so badly.

Tomorrow, though, I just got an interview at Target.....

It's in the morning so I can go see AP right? I don't want to keep holding it off. I want to see her and 3 weeks has been long.

Missing her,

GJW

12 Signs You're Into Someone

Shoot, I have no idea! I honestly didn't think I acted any differently, hahaha. Hmmm let's see

1. I'll start texting them a whole lot
2. Make more jokes or try and get them to laugh (shouts out to BB back in Spanish...sigh)
3. Go to their soccer games :P hehe
4. A lack of eye contact haha. I don't know why
5. I'll make you a mix cd
6. I won't text back immediately haha lame games
7. You like what I'm wearing? TIME TO GET SIMILAR STUFF haha
8. Laugh at their jokes or what they say...even when it's not funny
9. Turn incredibly timid
10. LOVE THEM (duhhhhhh, gosh!)
11. Become incredibly sexy and sultry

Hahaha this one was more of a joke. I took it semi-seriously. I'm just remembering all the times with BB and how eventful and fun junior year was. Every year is unique in it's own way

-GJW

Aftermath of Sunday

Sunday evening Ariel texted me asking if we could throw that idea out because it was never really well thought out and it wasn't something she wanted. Ok, I'm fine with throwing the idea out BUT why did that idea cross your mind in the first place? That's what I wanted to know.

I called her up and I told her how I felt...or at least part of how I felt. I said that for the past few days it seemed like she was ignoring my calls and texts. I told her I know she's busy but flat out not returning anything was alarming to me. She told me that last week had been stressful and that she wasn't sure she could handle a relationship. This was told to LM. LM, trying to be a friend to the both of us, told me that. And that's why Ariel called me up in the morning to tell me we should go on a break.

Ariel, quite unconvincingly (unconvincing due to the fact that, I shall assume here, she didn't want to have this conversation, I didn't either) told me that a break wasn't what she wanted. I told her that for this to continue, which I wanted it to, we need to communicate. Without communication, this relationship can't go anywhere. We're going to stay in the same place, going around and around. She agreed to that, and then told me she didn't like my dependency on her to be happy. This thought had come across my mind, but her vocalizing it made it true. She's right. It's not good for me to depend on her for my happiness. It's not good for her and it's definitely not good for me.

I said I'd work on that because I need to. This summer, I've had so much free time I can just sit and think. Think good thoughts, think bad thoughts, think everything. Although this talk was 2 days ago, I already feel better in terms of my dependency. I don't feel the need to text her every single second of the day. Nor do I feel the need to keep my phone on me every second. I also don't feel the need to stop what I'm doing to respond to a text. If I'm eating food, folding clothes, driving, or with friends. It feels better. If she doesn't text me immediately or even within the hour, it's ok. I don't mind Last week, however, it was a different sort of not responding or replying. Like there was a wall; a wall due to the lack of communication.

I have a job interview today at 3pm. I was supposed to see her today as well. It would've been a stretch to go visit and then come back for the interview. The emotional, soft side of me wanted to go visit, reschedule the interview and have a good time. But then I stopped and thought about it. I need to do what's good for me too. I need to get this job!!! Haha. So I decided to pass on visiting. I know this week I will see her.

There has been a change, it seems like, from the both of us. It is for the better.

-GJW

So you're a philosophy major?

Honestly, getting a philosophy degree is perhaps the most fucking stupid thing you could do. Who you think you are? The next Socrates? So you're trying to make the Allegory of the Cave 2.0? You're just another arrogant prick tryna figure out the meaning of life? Ohhhh, I see. So what's your job going to be?

Like math, it'll be difficult to add to what previous philosophers said. But hey, I'm not gonna make you change your major. Go for it. As long as you get the fuck out of my way for my econ/comp sci major.

I'm tired of people thinking their jobs will be their dreams...it's not. It's a means of income. Find a hobby that is your dream.

I guess I was raised differently. A very rigid, old fashioned way.

-GJW

It finally happened....

HAH! It finally happened, I suspected it for a while, but I was too hopeful. I guess I really am easy to just toss aside, huh? Ariel told me it's time to "go on a break." After all that I did? After all that I gave? After how much I loved you?

There's so much bitterness, sadness, hurt, anger. You took my heart and shattered it. How do I fix it? Who do I turn to now?

We're going to talk about it some more tonight. She hasn't been returning my phone calls, texts, anything. But all of what I'm writing is weakness, pure weakness. If she can live without me, I can live without her, right?

I'm tired of feeling this way. God, I hope she doesn't read this post. If there's one post I don't want her to read it's this one. Everything I want and need to say to her, I will. I don't need to say it through this to her.

Why did she hurt me? Why didn't she see things from my point of view? Why did she stop loving me? Why do I continue to care? What did I do to deserve this? Hasn't this year been hard enough? Don't I deserve someone to be good to me? When will I REALLY be happy?

I've had good memories with you and I really do see you for what you're worth.

Do you love me?

-GJW

13 ways to break the ice

-___________- this one is hella dumb

1. Introduce yourself! (should be obvious)
2. Talk about your college/major
3. Talk about your favorite music etc.
4. Talk about where you're from
5. Talk about where you've travelled (if you're cultured enough...hella snobby, but super grumpy lol)
6. Talk about SOCCER!!!
7. Talk about politics/current events (lol hella nerdy)
8. Talk about what you like to do!
9. Talk foooooood, or we could go eat some food hehe
10. Talk about your future (?)
11. Lemme tell you about how I'm a DJ (Eww, sounds conceited, but I put it here because it gets a conversation started when there's NOTHING to talk about)
12. If you're from out of town, let's talk about how it's culturally different here
13. Do you play any sports (-_______- I don't actually care but I couldn't think of a 13th LOL)

A lighter post than the previous one because we all deserve something more playful and happier

-GJW

Shouts out to room 317

I put on this spray I got from Victoria's Secret (Very Sexy, smells SOOO good!) today and it brought back memories. Memories of freshman year and messing around. Messing around in room 317 AP's and LM's room. Seriously, that room was crackin, I'd hangout there every single day and even if we did nothing, something would always happen. It was the messiest room ever, but 5+ people contributed to that mess. We were a family and room 317 was our house, our headquarters! So many memories made in that room. Good memories, bad memories, funny memories, sad memories. The decorations to the nice smell to the crowdedness! Don't really know what I'm trying to get at, except that that room contributed so much to my freshman experience. Thanks room 317!!!

-GJW

14 not so basic facts about you

Hmmmm, not so basic facts about me, let's see

1. I have a girlfriend and her name is AP ^______^
2. I cheated on my boyfriend
3. I'm nauseous or my stomach hurts almost everyday
4. I'm not as close with my sister as I want to be
5. I was suicidal at one point
6. I always wish I could be someone else
7. I'm very self conscious
8. I'm not very open with people
9. I hate hot weather because of the summer of 2009
10. I love jazz music
11. I need people around me
12. I'm so indecisive
13. I didn't realize how needy I was capable of being (a little embarrassing)
14. I'm so scared of matches (like to light fire) haha

Kinda ran out of things to say lolol

-GJW

I seriously gotta see JQ more often. I haven't seen that kid that much this summer, I've just been so busy. It bums me out a lot because I love that kid to death. Gonna try and squeeze him in anyway I can because he's going back early august.

I miss him so much.....

Sad at the way my summer turned out,

-GJW

Boys who play guitar, electric or acoustic, are overrated. Honestly, which boy doesn't play the guitar?!?! Switch it up, play the drums! That shit is hella interesting. Play the bass guitar, play some jazz music, just play anything OTHER than the guitar. Don't get me wrong, it does require talent, but when everyone does it, it gets blase.

All the guys at my college play the guitar...ugh, CAN WE GET SOME VARIETY!?! There only so many open mic shows I can go to where 8 out of 10 acts are guys (sometimes girls too) showcasing their skills on the guitar and sub par voices. Am I the only girl who would pick a boy who plays trumpet over a boy who plays guitar? LOL, it just shows diversity.

With that said, I'm not discouraging guitar players or attacking them at all!

-GJW

Day 1: 15 basic facts about you

Hmmm, lemme see

1. I wear glasses LOL (super basic :P)
2. I'm a DJ
3. I love listening to music
4. I hated my roommate in freshman year
5. The Godfather is my favorite movie
6. Vans are my absolute favorite shoes to wear
7. I drive a hella old car -_____- (I still love it though!)
8. I have a really sensitive stomach 
9. I LOVE the real housewives of anything! Lol, that's embarrassing
10. I hate my phone -_____-
11. I have an older sister
12. History and economics are my jam! 
13. I love wearing collared shirts
14. I LOVE DRAKE hehe
15. I love being on music before it comes up!

That's about it. Some of these were stupid (I was running out of things to say!). Some might be basic and some might not be. I think they're all basic facts about me, but I have no clue lolol. Hope ya enjoy.

-GJW

I'm so bored -______- I'll provide some entertainment for you and me!

So these things are always so fun to do! It provides a little bit of entertainment which is always nice :)

15 Day Challenge

• 15 basic facts about you
• 14 not so basic facts about you
• 13 ways you break the ice
• 12 signs you're into someone
• 11 signs you're not into someone
• 9 things that make you happy
• 8 things you are known for
• 7 things you want to do
• 6 things you'll never do
• 5 good things about you
• 4 bad things about you
• 3 ways to make you cry
• 2 ways to win your heart
• 1 thing you need to say

-GJW

Now Playing

Fever-Maps and Atlases

When did I start liking this kind of stuff??!?!? Hahaha, it's a nice change :) and I love it

-GJW

I've never been the type to cry over this kinda stuff so idk why I've picked it up all of a sudden. I hate crying

I want to feel like a priority....

I'm being selfish in this situation, I know. It's human nature to be selfish, but I need to put my selfishness aside and realize you were busy and will be busy. There's no point in crying because of my selfishness but I can't help it.

I don't want the tears to come out.

I hella wanna be a

drug dealer...I don't know what got into me, but I was talking to my uncle about selling weed while he grows it and he was super down. The second time we've had this conversation and it's sounding pretty good LOL. I know it's not going to happen, but the thought of being a drug dealer seems pretty nice right now. Maybe because I don't have any money and I'm looking for ANY source of income.

In a weird mood,

-GJW

She wore a lovely skirt today and she knows dasss my favorite lolol. I was skyping with LM and her and LM was trying to tell me a story, but Ariel's back was towards me; kinda hard for me to focus on LM's story LOL. I wonder if she's going to read this...if she does, hella embarrassing but oh well! I post what I wanna! :P

That was pretty much me.

-GJW

She is my Cleopatra

She's workin at the pyramid, the jewel of Africa. But what good is a jewel that aint still precious? Pimpin in my convos, got rubies in my damn chain, whip aint got no gas tank

-GJW

If you're mad at me you are, there's nothing I can do about it. I hate when you're angry at me, I hate being silent, I hate being sad. I hate tears

Shouts out to all the grandmas

Grandmas should be treated like queens, man. My grandma is a queen and there is no denying that. When my mom was 7 years old, my grandpa passed away (to this day they've never told me how) and my grandma handled it like a true champion. She put 3 kids through college and put her money in investments. Now she has some land in India that she's making bank off of STILL and can't nobody bring her down. Even at this age, she's hustlin, she's travelling, and she's taking time to take care of all her grand kids. I love this lady so much. There might be a language barrier because I don't speak the best Punjabi, but she still listens to me and answers as if I'm speaking it fluently. She asks me how my day is and wants to interact with me. When she wants to, she'll randomly just give me money. She always makes sure there's food for me to eat. This lady is a true queen and she has endured so much in her lifetime. I look at her and this overwhelming feeling of appreciation flows through me. I love her so much.

Shouts out to my other grandma (my dad's mom). She passed away almost two months ago. It was the most difficult day of my life. She died of leukemia (not sure though cuz they never tell me anything). I loved her so much too. She was a queen, always tryna take care of me. Her and my grandpa gave all 5 of their grand kids shares of Charles Shwab and Intel. That money helped me get through my first year of college and will continue to help me. She provided so many laughs and memories. Me trying to teach her some real slang and her actually saying it back! Shouts out to Ariel for consoling me during that difficult time too. If I ever go back to England, I'm gonna go back to the factory my grandma worked at and set it on fire. That's how she contracted leukemia. I'm gonna burn the whole place down. They took my grandma away. A grandma who was still fully capable of living, but they had to infect her with carcinogens. It still gets to me that she died, sometimes I wanna cry for her to come back. Sometimes I offer to give everything up for her to come back, but that's foolish and silly of me. She's not coming back ever. Here it comes, that lump in my throat right before I'm about to get emotional. I loved her so much and I still do. Yeah leukemia got her one day, but I got those memories of us straight chillin forever.

"So that make you a queen, surviving everything"-Nas

-GJW

Songs that are really worthy of listening

Here's a list of a few songs (or a lot!) that are truly worthy of listening. No Big Sean, Katy Perry, Rihanna, only real-er stuff.

Without further ado, here ya go!

• Radio-Lana Del Rey
• Off to the Races-Lana Del Rey
• Ungirthed-Purity Ring
• Your Ex-Lover is Dead-Stars
• Soft Shock-Yeah Yeah Yeahs
• Feel It All Around-Washed Out
• Seconds (Syd Tha Kyd remix)-Little Dragon
• Ridin-A$AP Rocky Ft. Lana Del Rey
• Cartoon and Cereal-Kendrick Lamar
• Set the Tone-Logic
• Customized Greatly-Casey Veggies
• Timbs-MellowHigh
• Rella-Odd Future
• She-Tyler, The Creator Ft. Frank Ocean 
• Cut Me Out-MNDR
• Bang Bang Bang-Mark Ronson
• Pyramids-Frank Ocean
• Dust-Frank Ocean
• Swim Good-Frank Ocean
• PDA-Frank Ocean
• My Love-Irie Love
• Years (Jakob Liedholm remix)-Alesso
• Pressure-Nadia Ali
• IDGAFOS (D.Veloped remix)-Dillon Francis
• Paris (Aeroplane remix) -Friendly Fires
• Antidote-Swedish House Mafia
• The Morning-The Weeknd
• What You Need-The Weeknd
• The Knowing-The Weeknd
• Initiation-The Weeknd

I hope you like some of these songs, they're all very good in their own way

-GJW

Job: DJ Currently: Unemployed due to fraud

I don't consider myself a DJ; a real DJ knows what they're doing, I half ass it. I've fooled this many people into thinking I'm a real DJ, but deep down inside I know I'm not. The things I've done so far don't involve talent, I guess I'm just a true con man. I keep wondering when people will realize.

People believe, so I gotta give it to em. Come September 29th, I'll have another dance to DJ-by then I need to cut the bullshit and become a true DJ.

-GJW

Me

Shoot, I'ma just say it, I love Frank Ocean-like forreal. I just spent like 20 minutes on his tumblr and I love the guy. He's my new obsession-he's talented, real, attractive, pained, and true. He's so much more than that too. He hasn't been jaded by fame; The Weeknd has changed by the fame...

But this blog is kinda split into two. The second part will be all the things I want to do with AP:

-I want to go to San Francisco with her and make a fantastic day out of it
-I want to go to Coachella (basically road trip it down to LA)
-I want to go to the Florence and the Machine concert with her
-I want to go to a museum with her (preferably modern art)

As of now, though, she's going to San Francisco with her ex boyfriend and our friend LM...I wonder if she reads this still.

-GJW

http://frankocean.tumblr.com/post/26473798723

Read this when you get a chance-my love for Frank Ocean only multiplies after this because it rings so true, you can feel his hurt and pain

-GJW

I miss Ariel a whole lot. Today it was especially worse than other days. Sigh....

-GJW

Being a fair weather friend

The funny thing about this blog, is that when things are going well for me in my life, I won't post for a while.

Hence the title, I only come to this blog, when I need to let out my thoughts. When everything is going well, I don't bother to post about it, but I should! This blog isn't here just for me to document my negative thoughts and feelings and insecurities! It's here for me to document my daily shenanigans :P (with a joke in there, you can tell I'm in a good mood! Not to mention all the dozens of playlists that I've made saying "happy" "a wonderful duo" instead of "insecure"!)

To do a quick recap, I went down and visited AP again, and it was wonderful! The main reason I went down was to see Dev, but I'll address that later. I miss AP so much and I want to see her again. Hopefully tomorrow I can surprise her, but there's a lot of stuff I need to get done. On top of that my car's kinda old and has a lot of miles on it, so I'm not sure if I can take it. Hopefully I can though, because what else am I going to be doing at home AND I'd like to visit AP with some actual means of transportation lolol.

It's late, and I promise to fill you all in later about things!

-GJW