My body says yes, my mind says no, and my heart is caught in the middle.

I don't know if I can really say I'm surprised about it. For awhile now I've been, I guess although this word is too strong, waiting for it to happen. I've just been anticipating. And it finally did.

In a situation like this, who do I get mad at? Do I get mad at Andre? At Brent? At Ariel?

Truthfully, this is how I feel-I'm furious. Furious with Ariel for doing this to me. Furious at Andre for disrespecting my relationship with her. Furious with Brent for undermining what Ariel and I had. Furious for the insult, disrespect, and pain this has caused me. I'm hurt-it makes you question your value and worth to someone else. Did she really love me? Why is she still with me? I know I'm not what she wants anymore. I'm not a guy and can never fulfill her real sexual desire. To add more salt to the wound is the concept of karma. I cheated on J and now I GOT cheated on. That irony kicks me when I'm already down. She doesn't know that I know. I can't act the same with her with this new information. Everything she says is a lie to me. The empty and hollow "I love you" that I echo blankly. Do I love you? I don't know. I don't fucking know. I don't know what to think anymore.

Ask any person and they would say that I should leave her. That I should leave her for all the pain and stress she's caused. And when I hear that, I'm like "fuck yeah, I should!" I should leave her ass for everything she's done to me. I completely agree. But it's so much easier said than done. It's so easy for people to say "leave her." If it were that easy, I wouldn't need to blog about it or have a heartache over it. I would simply wipe my hands of her. But it's not that simple.

Saturday I go back to college from winter break. My friend SK will tell me everything there is to know about what happened between Ariel and Andre. She was there the night they fucked. The first day I found out, it killed me, broke my heart. I couldn't look Ariel in the eyes without crying. Now, there's no crying. There's anger, outrage, and exhaustion. When SK tells me what happened that night, I don't know how I will react. LM will be there too to support me and help me.

Something I'll have to do which will be hard is talking to Ariel about all of this. About what she's done. I don't think I'm ready to have that conversation, but it's gonna happen. A million different scenarios with how that conversation will go down-each time it feels like it hasn't gone 100% perfect. What I need to make my mind up about is whether I'm going to stick around with her and deal with issues of trust or if I'm gonna say good riddance. I'm hoping my meeting up with SK and LM will clear up some things (although I doubt it).

Right now I need strength. Strength to put on a fake show for Ariel and pretend like everything is right. Strength to fool myself that everything is fine. I'm counting down the days until Saturday so that I can hear from SK what happened.

I wake up everyday feeling like shit. It'll get better. Just the question of what I'm going to do with all of this.

-GJW