How is it possible that someone who hurt you the most...

also happens to be the person who is your solace-even when they're the one that hurt you.

That's my situation with AP. She is the one that caused me so much pain and yet when I'm with her, I have a tendency to forget that pain...It's the worst feeling ever.

Tomorrow is the day I meet up with SK and LM and unfortunately AP will be back at college. She'll want to know where I will be. I'm not going to tell her that I'm meeting up with SK because she witnessed what happened. I have no clue what I will say.

I've been dreading and looking forward to tomorrow. Dreading it because that means that everything is real and I'll have to deal with it. My nightmare will become my reality. I'm looking forward to it because that means I will have some clarity-clarity to move forward with whatever I plan on doing. So that I don't have to fake it. I can be real, raw, and true.

I have NO clue how I'm going to go about doing this but I know I have to. Fuck, I hate what might be in store.

I want the truth. And it's not enough that it's coming from SK, it needs to come from you. It needs to come from Andre. I want to sit down with him too and talk to him about it. I'm furious with that little fuck. That cunt.

You know, I had a dream on Thanksgiving weekend. More of a nightmare actually. It had to do with cheating. AP, in the dream, had cheated on me with Andre. In the dream, they were at SK's house-the house layout was different because it was a dream, but the essence of it was all there. I saw Andre holding AP's hand and leading her into a room. I was, for some reason, a bystander and watched it happen. I followed and saw them have sex. I kept asking her to not cheat on me, but she didn't listen. I can't remember much after that, but when I woke up, it felt like hell. I'm not one to believe much in dreams, but this one was eerily real. Like it was tapping into something else. Someone else's mind? My subconscious? Ironically the future? I told AP about it and she said I had nothing to worry about; that everything was fine. Foolishly and desperately I believed that.

Alas, my favorite quote from a great song to conclude yet another melancholy post.

"It's a sharp shock to [my] soft side"-Yeah Yeah Yeahs

-GJW