So much has happened it would be pointless for me to fill you guys in. Not pointless, but rather time consuming. Time that I don't have to or want to or emotionally can spend on this. What I can tell you guys is that all was superficially forgiven-I forgave her even though I know I shouldn't have. I know I should've just said good bye and good riddance, but I didn't, I couldn't. I know that she knows that too. She knew that I wouldn't just up and leave. Hence she didn't try so hard to look like she regretted it. Which she didn't. I know that much too. She regrets getting caught. She's angry with SK for telling me the whole truth. She's angry with LM for telling me shit that happened over summer.

But for me to type all this for you guys to read isn't so healthy for me. It's like rehashing it and continuously reliving it. Reliving an emotional hell.

What I can say, is that if I ever see Andre on campus, I don't care who the fuck is around me I will fucking kill him (disclaimer-of course I won't actually kill him, but I just hope that shows my intense anger for that motherfucker). I hope it hurts for him to see me with AP. But I don't want Andre to be the only one to hurt, I want her to hurt too......haha maybe she will...who knows...(I do)...

I question if I really have forgiven. It doesn't sound like it from this post haha. It sounds like I'm suppressing my anger. What I need to do is truly forgive, so I can move on with MY life. Not so she can get away from what she did to me. No, I'm not forgiving her for her own sake. I have to forgive her for my sake so that I can move on with my life and not harbor the anger that is inevitable. Of course, trust issues have taken place Last night, I didn't know where you went and I was almost sure that you went to see Andre. It's malignant trust issues like this that need to go away-you need to make them go away. This is a repercussion of your actions.

You are malignant. You are malignant because your first love and relationship went sour and you never properly fixed that. You will not be happy for a long time if you hold on to all this hurt and pain. Don't even kid yourself and say you've forgiven Andre. No, you haven't forgiven him otherwise you wouldn't have fucked him.

All while I sit here and get played for the millionth time. SK was right-you're making me look like a fool and I am getting played so hard. You got me in the palm of your hands. Snap your fingers and automatically the fight you caused will have been my fault. You like that, but it's not enough to keep you. Nothing is.

-GJW

• "Hey, baby my nose is getting big, I noticed it be growing when I been telling them fibs, Now you say your trust's getting weaker, Probably coz my lies just started getting deeper, Because I lied and I cheated and I lied a little more"-Black Eyed Peas, Don't Lie
• "Forgive him when his tongue lies through his brain, Even after three times he betrays me"-Lady Gaga, Judas
• "Now hang me up to dry, You wrung me out too, too, too many times"-Cold War Kids, Hang Me Up To Dry
• "Trying to convince myself I've found one, Making the mistake I never learned from, I swear I always fall for your type, yeah (for your type), Talking to myself but I never listen, Cuz man it's been a while, and I swear that this ones different, That's why I'mma take you anywhere you wanna go, Let you meet my friends so they can lecture me again about, How reckless I have been, And I'm slowly running out of all the time that I invest in, Making all the same mistakes"-Drake, Same Mistakes
• "Leave the past behind, Just walk away, When it's over and the heart break, And the cracks begin to show"-Freestylers, Cracks

• "Nobody's perfect, but you're perfect for me"-J. Cole, Nobody's Perfect
• "That's why you needed me baby, Right in between lust and love, You go and mess things up but, Now there's no we babe, There's just you and there's me baby, There was us, there was trust, There was happen and change, You lost the game you taught me how to play ;)"-Jennifer Hudson, Think Like A Man
• "I was just your token, everything is broken, Don't get too used to looking down on me, Soon you'll be calling me Your Majesty"-Mr. Hudson, Everything is Broken
• "You had the best, But you gave her up, 'Cause dependency might interrupt, Idealistic will so hard to please, Put your indecisive mind at ease, You broke the set The contemplator all those years, Now you must adhere, To your new career of liberation, You've been cast all by yourself, You're free at last You broke the set" No Doubt, Happy Now
• "I'm waiting, waiting for nothing, You're leaving, leaving me hanging,When did your heart go missing?, I treat you like a princess, I'm retracing every step in my head, What did I miss back then?, I was so, so misled, Things were so good, We had a little dream, A little dream together, Buy a house, settle down, do our thing, But you disappeared on me, And your heart, your heart went missin',I don't know how to find it"-Rooney, When Did Your Heart Go Missing?

I wonder why she doesn't read this. It's a fucking gold mine for her

How is it possible that someone who hurt you the most...

also happens to be the person who is your solace-even when they're the one that hurt you.

That's my situation with AP. She is the one that caused me so much pain and yet when I'm with her, I have a tendency to forget that pain...It's the worst feeling ever.

Tomorrow is the day I meet up with SK and LM and unfortunately AP will be back at college. She'll want to know where I will be. I'm not going to tell her that I'm meeting up with SK because she witnessed what happened. I have no clue what I will say.

I've been dreading and looking forward to tomorrow. Dreading it because that means that everything is real and I'll have to deal with it. My nightmare will become my reality. I'm looking forward to it because that means I will have some clarity-clarity to move forward with whatever I plan on doing. So that I don't have to fake it. I can be real, raw, and true.

I have NO clue how I'm going to go about doing this but I know I have to. Fuck, I hate what might be in store.

I want the truth. And it's not enough that it's coming from SK, it needs to come from you. It needs to come from Andre. I want to sit down with him too and talk to him about it. I'm furious with that little fuck. That cunt.

You know, I had a dream on Thanksgiving weekend. More of a nightmare actually. It had to do with cheating. AP, in the dream, had cheated on me with Andre. In the dream, they were at SK's house-the house layout was different because it was a dream, but the essence of it was all there. I saw Andre holding AP's hand and leading her into a room. I was, for some reason, a bystander and watched it happen. I followed and saw them have sex. I kept asking her to not cheat on me, but she didn't listen. I can't remember much after that, but when I woke up, it felt like hell. I'm not one to believe much in dreams, but this one was eerily real. Like it was tapping into something else. Someone else's mind? My subconscious? Ironically the future? I told AP about it and she said I had nothing to worry about; that everything was fine. Foolishly and desperately I believed that.

Alas, my favorite quote from a great song to conclude yet another melancholy post.

"It's a sharp shock to [my] soft side"-Yeah Yeah Yeahs

-GJW

LOL

Lol at facebook for asking me "What's going on?" for me to write my status.

My status would be "I was cheated on and my relationship is in turmoil"

Do you remember that one night in my room, in the latest hours of that night, that you said for the first time ever, those 3 powerful words "I love you"? It was the same night my grandmother died. How could I forget that night? Those hours that night with you were the best of my life-that "I love you" was so shocking to hear but so true when you said it.

That morning I didn't have much time to think about it because I got a phone call that changed my life-my grandma passed away. Midterms and grieving got in the way, but I asked SK and LM if when you said that "I love you" it was true. LM sat there listening to me and SK said to me, with great conviction, that you meant that "I love you." Hearing that from her made me realize that it was true, that I could say those to you with the same truth.

A couple of months down the road, you forget that night, that "I love you," and fuck two different guys. Remember who I am and what you did to me. As the person I've been to you, I don't deserve this and you know it. Remember that. Because you fucked me over and that won't go unnoticed.

My body says yes, my mind says no, and my heart is caught in the middle.

I don't know if I can really say I'm surprised about it. For awhile now I've been, I guess although this word is too strong, waiting for it to happen. I've just been anticipating. And it finally did.

In a situation like this, who do I get mad at? Do I get mad at Andre? At Brent? At Ariel?

Truthfully, this is how I feel-I'm furious. Furious with Ariel for doing this to me. Furious at Andre for disrespecting my relationship with her. Furious with Brent for undermining what Ariel and I had. Furious for the insult, disrespect, and pain this has caused me. I'm hurt-it makes you question your value and worth to someone else. Did she really love me? Why is she still with me? I know I'm not what she wants anymore. I'm not a guy and can never fulfill her real sexual desire. To add more salt to the wound is the concept of karma. I cheated on J and now I GOT cheated on. That irony kicks me when I'm already down. She doesn't know that I know. I can't act the same with her with this new information. Everything she says is a lie to me. The empty and hollow "I love you" that I echo blankly. Do I love you? I don't know. I don't fucking know. I don't know what to think anymore.

Ask any person and they would say that I should leave her. That I should leave her for all the pain and stress she's caused. And when I hear that, I'm like "fuck yeah, I should!" I should leave her ass for everything she's done to me. I completely agree. But it's so much easier said than done. It's so easy for people to say "leave her." If it were that easy, I wouldn't need to blog about it or have a heartache over it. I would simply wipe my hands of her. But it's not that simple.

Saturday I go back to college from winter break. My friend SK will tell me everything there is to know about what happened between Ariel and Andre. She was there the night they fucked. The first day I found out, it killed me, broke my heart. I couldn't look Ariel in the eyes without crying. Now, there's no crying. There's anger, outrage, and exhaustion. When SK tells me what happened that night, I don't know how I will react. LM will be there too to support me and help me.

Something I'll have to do which will be hard is talking to Ariel about all of this. About what she's done. I don't think I'm ready to have that conversation, but it's gonna happen. A million different scenarios with how that conversation will go down-each time it feels like it hasn't gone 100% perfect. What I need to make my mind up about is whether I'm going to stick around with her and deal with issues of trust or if I'm gonna say good riddance. I'm hoping my meeting up with SK and LM will clear up some things (although I doubt it).

Right now I need strength. Strength to put on a fake show for Ariel and pretend like everything is right. Strength to fool myself that everything is fine. I'm counting down the days until Saturday so that I can hear from SK what happened.

I wake up everyday feeling like shit. It'll get better. Just the question of what I'm going to do with all of this.

-GJW