This is gonna be a very long post. I'm not going to leave anything out because each detail is so important.
Yesterday I visited AP, MZ, and SK (and SK's older sister ^.^). A day before that, AP told me SK was throwing a party and wanted to invite Andre and asked me how I felt about that. Honestly, I didn't know how I felt. Wanting to be safe and not sorry, I passed on wanting to meet him. I had some more time to think about it and I realized why not? Why not meet this kid, get it over with, and maybe hit it off with him? I mean, if I could be such good friends with DO, why couldn't I make it past myself and be friends with Andre? By the time I reached this conclusion, I was feeling pretty good about myself.
(I'm writing this post very slowly because, and I'm not sure why, I get a little emotional every now and then and I need to regain my composure).
Well the party rolled around and so did Andre. That whole day I wasn't nervous and I wasn't nervous until AP said "Andre's here." I met him, shook his hand, and started joking with him. It's an automatic reaction. Immediately AP said "anyone wanna smoke?" and Andre looked up and said "sure." It doesn't bother me that they went to go smoke. I'm pretty sure that doesn't sound convincing and I'm not going to try and convince you that it didn't bother me. You can choose to believe me or you can choose otherwise, I don't care.
The whole duration of the party, I was a third wheel. It's as simple as that. I was the person that didn't want to disrupt them. Whatever they were doing, how they were interacting, everything. I was off to the side. Dinner was brutal. Every time JK got up, I was just waiting for her to sit back down. Or MZ. Or for someone to pass and make conversation so I wouldn't have to be a third wheel.
After dinner, everyone went to go outside and play beer pong. MZ, SK, AP, and Andre were in the hall so I decided to see what was up. As I entered the hallway AP put her hands on Andre's hips while everyone was giggling about a "pee date" between MZ and AP. I've only felt this out of place with my friends once before-the paragraph before this one. What am I supposed to do? I don't know what to do? Do I tell AP how am I feeling? Do I just go home and think about it? Do I go to someone and tell them what's up? All these thoughts were going through my mind and suddenly I had an overwhelming urge to cry. To cry and feel miserable.
AP already told me she just wants to be friends with Andre and I believe it so why do I feel this way?
We went outside to play beer pong. SK and MZ against AP and this other girl. Andre, JK, JC and EC (twin boys who live there who are super kawaii!) and I all sat down. The small movements AP did towards Andre were like little daggers piercing my heart ready to trigger the tears in my eyes (sounds dramatic, but honestly it was hard to watch). Unnecessarily touching his knees, slapping his arm in a playful
flirty way. Wait, so I'm in a relationship with her? Could've fooled me. With Andre there, didn't even look my way unless I cheered for SK.
After the game, AP sat down next to me, but honestly I was just ready to go home. My contempt for Andre was justified and this was just a bad idea. AP and I went inside and I went into MZ's room. JK came into the house too because it was getting cold. I confessed to MZ because early she asked me what I thought of Andre. AP was in the kitchen, JK came into MZ's room and I quietly whispered to MZ everything I had felt this whole party. She listened and very quickly responded with "tell her." Like that thought didn't cross my mind. It's not that, I was just afraid AP would get defensive, or wouldn't listen to me, or would get mad. AP came into MZ's room as well and MZ told me I should tell her now. I wasn't ready so I went to the bathroom. When I came back, AP left the room for a bit, and I could feel it, I felt the tears ready to come. I waved at my eyes hoping they wouldn't but then they slowly made a sad trek down my face. MZ gave me her stuffed animal (adorable gesture) and JK told me not to cry. AP came back in MZ towards me said "tell her, tell her now." AP was all confused and said "What? Tell me what?" It was that point that the past 2 hours were too much for me and I cried. I grabbed MZ's stuffed animal close to me and MZ spoke for me. JK was so comforting throughout all of this (sidenote). AP said she had no idea that was how she made me feel. Uhhh, I know, that's why I'm telling you (through MZ haha).
MZ and JK left so it was just me and AP. I hate confrontation. I tried my hardest to regain my composure and not cry. It was hard and it still is. I confessed so much of what I wanted to her finally. So much of everything from this blog was told to her. I told her how I do trust her-100% and that I've always been confident in myself and my partner in a relationship; that I've never been the needy type of girl who's overly emotional but that all changed. It changed because I have now been conditioned to believe that relationships are built off of lies. I told her why I felt like that. I told her that one day in the school year I asked her if Andre ever asked for her back, if she would go back to him? She said she would. Fastforward a few months and she told me "Andre and I are friends again!" It's only alarming because of what she had said before. I told her that. I asked her how she would feel if J started talking to me again and I interacted with him the way I did when we were in relationship. She stopped and thought about it. We talked about more things of that nature, and I finally dished out what was locked inside for so long.
One thing I forgot to say is a major reason for my dislike of Andre. It's nothing he did and I know that. I feel like I always have to compete with Andre for AP to realize I'm good enough. I say I want a new car, "Andre drives a civic and it's this light blue-I think that's a good car." That's cool, I drive a 1994 accord-how can I compete? "I don't understand why anyone would get a tan colored car" That's cool, my old ass car is the exact color you hate-sweet. "Isn't Andre so nice? Isn't he super funny?" gushing about him like that. Yeah, he's nice, no I don't think he's the funniest-his humor is normal. I have to compete with that. I can't really explain what I mean when I say I have to compete. It's kind of like proving that I'm better (?), the best (?), the funniest (?)...then how come I can't make you laugh so hard you cry....This is going to be a stupid comparison but in Real Housewives of New Jersey, Teresa's husband Joe, hate's her brother Joe G because Teresa always put Joe G on a pedestal and Joe found it hard to compete. That's how I feel.
With all of this said, I don't know what I'm trying to get at. I don't want her to stop talking to Andre. That would be silly, controlling, and weird. I want her to be friends with Andre. I just want her to know how these things make me feel. She can change if she wants to, but most importantly I just want her to know.
I might have left out somethings, but they will come in later posts.
To conclude, when I left the party, I said goodbye to Andre. He gave me a hug and I returned it. AP said he gave her two thumbs up for me. Nice to know Roger and Epert...haha just kidding.
I'm done for now. Do I hope that AP reads this post? Yup, I told her yesterday that her reading my blog is easier than me saying these things to her in person. I'm working on it, but it's hard to be open. I'm trying
-GJW
