My tears dry on their own 

Don't give up on us

I don't wanna wait in vain for your love 

I feel so close to you right now, it's a force field

You are my king of hearts

I wanted you to that I am ready to go, heartbeat, my heartbeat

Hang me up to dry, you've wrung me out too, too many times

Whenever you call me, I'll be there, I'll be around

How I'm feeling, it doesn't matter, cuz you know I'm ok, and still I ask myself why do you hurt me when you know I'm the same. They try to take you away from me, over my dead body

F*ck that n*gga that you love so bad, and since you picked up, I know he's not around. And I'll start hating only if you make me

Trust issues

I just really hope that you think of me cuz I'm trying to be unforgettable

You give me a feeling that I've never felt before, it's becoming something impossible to ignore

We're under the sheets and you're killing me

Do you know what it feels like loving someone who's in a rush to through you away

And the love kickstarts again

I would do ANYTHING for you

I want your PDA

Leave the past behind, just walk away, and the cracks begin to show

It's like she loves, and then she loves me not, 

Nobody's perfect, but you're perfect for me

You gotta act like a woman, but think like a man

I got that summertime sadness

Cuz you the one that taught me how to hate a bitch

You don't have to leave

Please don't go

Cut me out

I was just a token, everything is broken

Cuz you aint gon tie me down

You and me, we used to be together, everyday together

I know you like to think your shit dont stank, but lean a lil bit closer see roses really smell like poo

All the missed calls got me thinking, maybe I'm trippin, but I want you to feel the other side

I mean I've always been the time to know when to stop

I'll never be your beast of burden

When did your heart go missing? I treat you like a princess

Packin up with tears in my eyes, it's a past time I'm used to

But I never knew love could feel like a heart attack

We reached the climax (I hope we haven't)

How do you get up from an all time low?

We might as well be playing with lightning :)

Didn't I hold you close? 

Let me go, you let me down

Teleport to me

They don't love you like I love you

It's a sharp shock to my soft side

There's a mix of emotions I'm feeling. I do know that in order for me to receive 100%, I need to give it. I'm too scared to give 100%. 

She loves me, and I know it. I love her. So what the hell am I afraid of?

-GJW

Deactivating my facebook?

In the summertime especially, I'll think to myself "I have nothing to do, I'm so bored, I'm so lazy, what do I do?" Well, often times I find myself on Facebook, stalking people I went to high school and college with. I'll check so often throughout the day with no updates, it gets boring.

Also, Facebook is a prime place for my hatred of my "friends" to flourish; it's a wonderful site to snoop around and find out things about other people you normally wouldn't have found out. I want to deactivate my Facebook, but the stalker in me can't seem to do it. I will, however, try and cut down how much time I spend on the social networking site. It's not healthy, and everyone I want to see, I have their phone numbers so I can contact them like that. It's not going to be easy to implement that, but the change will be healthy and good for me. I'm so dependent on my laptop that a few minutes away is such a hard thing to do. This past year, I became VERY dependent on technology and that needs to go down.

A change I've already tried (and it's been successful so far!) is to stop bringing my cell phone on daily walks that I go on. Right now, my phone is charging in a corner in my mom's office, and I haven't felt the overwhelming urge to look at it (I won't lie, there is an urge to check it right now but not as strong as it would have probably been before-I probably wouldn't even have put it across the office, hidden).

Right now, I do feel the need to check my Facebook. The thing is I know that I don't have any notifications, but I still NEED to check it. I will try my very hardest to resist and check my Facebook at a later time in the day.

The problem is that my dependency on sites like these has become so strong, that I find myself have little meaning when I'm not on them. I don't know what to do with myself! I get off my laptop, try and read a book, only to come back 30 minutes later. It's a feeling of lost purpose without my laptop. This is going to be quite a challenge, but I need to better myself.

I'm trying everything in the book to be happy again....

-GJW

Should I be concerned that 2 days ago she had dinner with DO and today she friend requested her ex boyfriend?

Fuck these insecurities, they keep looming over me and I just can't get rid of it. KA had a point, maybe I should let down my walls. But how do you do that?

-GJW

Would You Hate Me If I ___________?

So the title is a little bizarre, I know. It's a mixtape by Campa, part of The Cataracs. I was driving with my cousin back home from college and she forced me to listen to it. It's not half bad, but it's a lot more significant than it's musical value. This mixtape always reminds me of AP. I think that was the first time that I realized I had legitimate feelings for her; it was also the when she met DO. But I'm going to associate it with a good memory :)

It's not the best mixtape I've ever heard; it's actually quite bad. But the memory I associate it with makes it one of the best mixtapes I've ever heard. The play counts for the songs are quite high :)

In a good mood,

-GJW

Stop going back and forth and hurting me. Make your mind up and then play with my heart. You've done this from the very start and foolish me, I've fallen for it every time.

-GJW

I love Ariel :) It's different than anytime before. Different than J, BB, DG, everyone. It's different but in a good way. She's wonderful.

-GJW

You know, I'm tired of hating people. I'm tired of using so much of my energy on hating or finding things wrong with people. I'm tired of spending so much time looking at the negative aspects of people. We're all different, so why can't I accept that? I always say "Do you, and Ima do me," but I rarely ever listen to it. Instead I let so many things get under my skin and annoy me. Well I'm tired of doing that.

From now on, I'm going to try and hate less and let people live. I don't want to say "don't hate, appreciate" because if I do find something annoying about someone I don't want to appreciate; I just want to say "live your life, and I'll live mine."

I don't really know how this change will be implemented, but I plan on implementing and noticing a difference. I want to spread positivity and live in it.

Weird little rant I went on, but this morning got me thinking.

-GJW

T-10 minutes

Nervous because I'm about to meet J and we're going to sit down and talk. We're actually going to talk in the park that we used to hangout at last summer. I don't know what to expect from him so I haven't prepared anything. Hoping for the best but expecting the worst. I don't even know what the best is. What happens, happens.

Come what may.

-GJW

I made a promise to myself that this blog would always be anonymous. No one I'd know would know about it.

Well, that changed yesterday evening. Yesterday, I helped AP find it and she did just that-she found it. She has been a big topic for my blog, and I am a little scared for future postings. But, I told myself that I was going to be as honest as I could be with this blog, and I plan on honoring that. I will try my very hardest to continue posting unfiltered, unedited blogs because this blog is for me, not for anyone else.

As for AP's reaction (as well as mine) to her reading my blog, that'll have to wait because right now I still have to go to my community classes and get the class I need!!!!

-GJW

It's a sharp shock to your soft side

In one of those moods again where I want to blog multiple times a day. Right now I should be going to my community college to sort out classes, but this song gets me every time.

It's Soft Shock by the Yeah Yeah Yeahs. This song is undoubtedly, for me, a very moving song. And for the longest time I couldn't figure out what the lyrics meant.

Here are the lyrics:

Unknown, talk to unknown
Ever, lasts forever
Well it's a sharp, shock to your soft side
Summer moon
Catch your shut eyes in your room
In my room
In your room
In my room

Louder, lips speak louder
Better, back together
Still it's a shock, shock to your soft side
Summer moon
Catch your shut eyes in my room
In your room
In my room
In your room

Whats the time
Whats the day
Go and leave me
Whats the time [Repeat x2]
Whats the place
Go and leave me

Out,

Leave me out [Repeat x3]

The first verse is where the title comes from too. I've tried to decipher and analyze the lyrics so many times. 


What I've come up with so far:


It's about two lovers and the narrator (the singer) is realizing that what they had is coming to an end. "Unknown talk to unknown" could mean the singer and her lover; "Ever, lasts forever" could imply that the singer thought that it would last forever-even further, it could mean that whatever they had is going to last forever even if it ends because it happened and the memory of it will last on. 


The next line, the title of this post "Well it's a sharp, shock to your soft side" is very profound and meaningful for me. Even though the singer has anticipated what is going to happen (the breakup) it still stings and is still very shocking. The soft side could be the vulnerable state you enter when you go into a relationship. No matter the anticipation, it hurts nonetheless. The title of the song "Soft Shock" is also very meaningful. It is impossible to be shocked gently-a shock always hurts. Karen O is not saying that the shock is soft or gentle; she is saying that the shock is hurting a soft part of all human beings. No matter how much we want to shield our soft, vulnerable, emotional side, we can't. The shock will penetrate any shield or fortress trying to protect it. 


The next lines "Summer Moon, Catch your shut eye in your room, in my room, in your room, in my room" is still very confusing for me. Perhaps the summer moon is the singer who is trying to catch the shut eyes of her lover. She knows there's no point in trying to catch his eye because his eyes (emotions) are shut from her. The alternating "in your room, in my room" can be interpreted so many ways too. It could possibly mean that they used to be a unit but now the unit is split into two again, no longer sharing the room. 


After the 1st verse, Karen O whispers "try to talk." This in itself is an obvious line to decipher, but the significance is the way she says that line. She whispers it which, to me, implies that the communication is gone, like the love. 

"Louder, lips speak louder" insinuates that there is talks about getting back together. For me it also reveals the singer's desperation to get back with her lover. She will listen to anything he says to get back together. 

In this verse, the alternation of "in your room, in my room" is significant because in this verse she starts of saying "in my room." Even after she realizes it's ending she can't stop calling it her room. I'm not too sure. 

The last verse "What's the time, what's the day, go and leave me, what's the time, what's the place, go and leave me" She knows he's going to leave her, but I can't get further on it than that. 

That's what I have for that song, of course my interpretation is not the only one, but that's how I take it. That songs speaks to me so much. Maybe because Karen O sang the line "It's a sharp shock to your soft side" which isn't a common thing to sing in a song, yet is so common in life. 

-GJW

It's gonna be a sharp shock to my soft side, not yours. 

SOO MUCH TO FILL IN

So much, so incredibly much to fill you all in. Where to begin?

I guess I'll fill you in with me and AP and DO and J. After a long time, AP broke up with DO meaning she was all in with me. For a while now, I've been wanting to be all in with AP but there was a lot of fear and insecurity that she would leave me for him-as disgusting as it sounds, that's why I held on to J. That and because I didn't know how or when to break up with him. Throughout all of this he doesn't know that I've been cheating on him. He doesn't deserve a girl who cheats on him. So I broke up with him about 2 weeks ago. I told him I'm going through something and can't handle a relationship-he wouldn't have it, but now he's used to the idea. Tomorrow I'm going to meet up with him and sit down and talk about it.

He texted me saying "lets talk" and then said "I don't have much to say so it won't take long"

       -He's trying to show me I'm not a priority like I used to be
     
I am concerned for a few things. I still want to be his friend-we were really good friends before this, and I want to continue that. I love him as a friend. I've known him for 4+ years. He was there for a lot of high and low points in my life, and I still want him to be there. I'm just scared he's going to not want to be friends. If that's the case, I messed up hard. But how can he completely disregard the past 4 years? Hopefully he won't.

Sometimes, I get scared and want to be back with him...it's this game of emotional ping pong. But then I look back at it and ask why? The whole time I was with him, I thought of AP. I want her not him. I want him as a friend. Whenever I got a text from him, I hoped it was AP; when he called me, it was a burden to pick up; when he said "I love you," I echoed with an empty, hollow "I love you."

People have told me time and time again that he's a great guy. And I know that. I'm just not a great girl. He deserves someone who can see how wonderful he is.

Before I conclude this, I'd like to say: I'm sorry. I'm sorry for dragging you into this. I'm sorry for forcing you to go through this. I'm sorry I was so selfish. I'm sorry I didn't let you be free from the start. I'm sorry for being so abusive. I'm sorry for wasting your freshman year. I love you, but I'm not right for you. I don't love you the way you love me.

"We Are Going to be Friends"-The White Stripes
      I hope this can be us, but just like the song, there's a hint of sadness for us.

-GJW