I guess I'm back to listening to Heart Attack by Trey Songz. When is all of this going to be over and make me really happy?

"Even here inside these walls breaking each others hearts, And we don't care cause we're in so, In too deep can't think about giving it up"-Even though AP and I are hurting each other, I don't care because that one moment where everything is all right is the best moment. We're in way too deep, and at this point so emotionally invested that the thought of giving it up crosses my mind but leaves as quickly as it enters. 

Waiting Up-Riz Ft. Drake

"I know there's other people that you talk to, But I just hate getting any proof shown to me"-I know you talk to DO, more than that-you're in a relationship with him, and I see it. I'm there when you guys are together. But seeing it is just a bitter reminder.

"I wonder if I should call you, But then again you never call me, And I'm just looking at my phone girl, and the last 3 messages are all me"-I look at my phone hoping that maybe she'll text me. The moment of looking at my screen has so much pressure, only to be a let down.


-GJW

Why do you always change your feelings? I don't mind you being with him (I don't have a choice if you want him), but please don't tell me that you only want me and then have a good time with him. Don't bring my hopes up please. I remember how I felt 2 weeks ago-the best feeling ever. And that feeling was taken away so quickly. It took so long for it to come, and a day or two to be erased.

Another disgusting twist

So I left us on the note of how this would affect J.

Well, turns out I would get so incredibly hurt in this whole process-I guess I deserved it because I was hurting someone too.

I left for a weekend to go back home, and AP and another of our friend went to a party. At the party, AP met a guy, DO, and they started to make out. Of course everyone was drunk out of their minds but I guess they developed feelings for each other. She texted me the day after telling me and at the time it hadn't hit me. But then it did-and I realized I couldn't deal with it, with her having someone. Thinking rationally (hah! How can one think rationally in a situation like this?), I came to the conclusion that if I had J, she was completely allowed to have DO. Now I told myself this, but it didn't feel like that.

She went out on a few dates with DO and she was completely falling head over heels for him. She's only met the kid for a little bit, but she was falling for him hard. There was nothing I could do but watch-it killed me but what could I do? Slowly I started to come to terms that she wanted him and he wanted her. She still wanted me; I guess I just wanted all of her.

She hung out with him one night, and he started to interrogate her on her past. She didn't really know how to feel, but she was a little put off by that. Needless to say, I was thrilled. Needless to say, once again, I kept my mouth shut. She still continued to hang out with him, and I continued to silently suffer.

Then on a Saturday night in March, March 10th to be exact, a few girls and I went to the Drake concert (such a good concert) and AP hung out with DO. He told her that he "wasn't looking for a relationship right now." The girl was devastated by this and got piss drunk that night. We came back from the concert and she told us how she broke down crying about it. I was ECSTATIC, but I consoled her-I said things like "what is trying to get at?" "why is he doing this?" "how could he hurt you like that?" Inside, though, I was so happy-I figured everything I had hoped for had finally happened.

The next day, he continued to text her like nothing happened. She was very cautious and continued to question his motives. Then on Tuesday, he asked to hangout with her and she said yes (no girl should go back to a grade a jerk who says things like that. He either likes you or doesn't). He asked her "what do you think I meant when I said I didn't want a relationship?" and she said "that you don't want a relationship." It's very hard to misinterpret a blunt statement such as the one he made. He then said "Oh! That's not what I meant at all! I meant that I just didn't want to label what we had." She was is so infatuated with him that she completely believed everything he said. She went back to him (a mistake, that as a friend, I didn't want her or ANYONE to do).

So I had gotten my hopes up for nothing. She went back to him. I'm only a spectator in this game.

Untitled Disgust

This is all because of my ego. If I hadn't felt the need to feed my ego, I never would have been placed in this position. I can't win because now I'm in too deep. I fed my ego and now, even worse, I'm in too deep. I have become emotionally attached and invested. Now, I'll feel the pain of letting go or the pain of having her in my life.

How do I become normal again? How do I become the person I was before you fucked me up? How do I live my life happily without you? How do I stop caring? How can I become strong?