Two Songs That Describe My Life

These two songs describe my life perfectly right now:

1. Hate Sleeping Alone-Drake
2. I Know-Jay-Z

"And she gives me all her and I'm abusing it right now" (1-the number indicates which song I reference). In this case J is giving me all his trust and I'm abusing it right now.

"I say I'd rather be w/ you but you are not around, So I'mma call somebody up and see if they be down, Cause I hate sleeping alone, I hate sleeping alone, Half the time we don't end up f*cking, I don't ask her for nothing..." (1). I'd rather be with J but since he's so far away, I spend my time with AP and see if she's down because quite honestly, I hate sleeping alone. We never end up f*cking, but now that's starting to change.

"She likes me, She fiends for me nightly, This is about lust, Cold sweats occur when I'm not with her" (2). In this case, "she" is me. I fiend for AP nightly-hence I always end up in her bed. This is partly about lust, but honestly when we're not together it's difficult on the both of us.

"I am your prescription...I'm your addiction" (2). As I mentioned previously, AP is my addiction. I try to stop but I always end up coming back. She is my "medicine and healer...but also my addiction"

"9.5 weeks is better than 12 steps" (2). 9.5 weeks with AP is better than trying to recover but I know recovering is more important. It's what I need, not what I want, but I'm listening to what I want.

"Now your conscience is interfering, like 'Better yourself!' Like you better get help, But when that medicine's felt, We back together, Don't ever leave me" (2). My mind keeps telling me to stop, that I need help, that I shouldn't do this, that this is all wrong. But when I feel the medicine (AP), I stop all those thoughts and focus on her and me. I ignore my conscience and do what I please.

If you haven't heard either song, go out and listen to them. Those songs, mainly the second, describe my life perfectly.

Dark thoughts clouding my mind.

-GJW

Over a month since the last post

It's been over a month since the last post and SO much has happened. My life has turned upside down and tossed all around. Nothing surprises me or phases me. It feels like I'm a zombie. I know I'm such a horrible person and the next few posts will reveal how sick and twisted I've become. But do not fear, I will be seeking counseling.

Quick recap-we left off with me saying that AP kissed me and that I wanted all of this to stop.

Well after her week off from school she came back, and no surprise that very night I was lying in bed with her. There's like a magnetic pull and I can't fight it. Within the following weeks, AP definitely stepped up her game, and what can I say? I gave in. She was so persistent and it wore me down. Not to mention she is pretty and we get along so well.

Extremely long story short, I'm a straight girl cheating on my boyfriend with another girl.

I don't know how it happened but it's gone from just spooning to kissing and fingering with a whole lotta lust. Now I don't even try to fight it. She wants me and I don't even fight my feelings-I want her too. BUT I realize how bad she is for me. But I want it all. I want her.

I thought if I distanced myself from her or if I started going home on the weekends it would change my feelings, but it really hasn't. There's nothing that helps me. As cliche and cheesy as this sounds, she is my drug. I can't stop coming to her.

This situation is so complex I don't know where to go on from here. Let's start with J for the rest of this post.

What position does this put me in with J? Here's the obvious: I'm a cheating asshole who's playing with his heart and he deserves the truth. But is anything really that obvious? The right thing would be to tell him the truth and see what happens. The right thing to do would be to break everything off with AP. The right thing to do is to be completely honest with everyone in this situation. But in order to do all of that, you have to be strong, and I know that I'm too weak. I'm too weak to do any of that, so instead I deal with the pain of all of it. The pain of knowing that J is better off without me. The pain of knowing how wrong this is for J. The pain of abusing all of his trust, but not being able to stop it because I'm so weak and selfish. I don't even know my true feelings for him anymore. But at the same time I want to continue being in a relationship with him.

I have been this honest with no one so it feels good to pour out all of my thoughts. If there is anything I could ask for, it would be for all of this to stop. This winter quarter, I suffered so much. I had so many laughs, so many wonderful times, but they were all brought down. So many highs only to be accompanied with so many lows. My grades suffered and so did my social life. I put all of my time and effort into AP. I spent all my time with her. Part of me regrets it but for the most part I don't. I only regret not having more time during the day. The time I spent with her went so quickly. We could literally kill 2 hours and have it only feel like 20 minutes. I have no idea what this girl has done to me, but I'm just taking it as it comes.

Even through all of this, I've truly grown to appreciate her. She is someone that has had such an impact on me it's unbelievable. I've never been so open, honest, and vulnerable. In a way it was a rebirth for me because I was so closed off about my feelings. Through all of this, I consider her my best friend. I've laughed as hard as I've cried with her and I wouldn't want it to be anyone else. I look forward to that moment when we both look back at this in a few years time. I have no doubt in my mind that she will be my friend for many years to come.

I only hope she feels the same although I somehow doubt it. I guess I'm her J in this situation then.

Awed by what's happened to me,

GJW