Concerned, scared, worried, and emotionally stressed out

So the post about J has been in my drafts for a few weeks, and I really need to let out some steam over something else. Something crazy. I doubt anyone would expect it.

Since this is my blog, I promised to be completely or near completely honest with you guys no matter how hard. This post will really test that promise.

At college, I've become really close to this girl AP (her initials because we already have an A). Long story short, I think she is in to me. You guys are probably thinking, yeah right. Why would one straight girl be into another straight girl. I've been thinking the same thing, but everything she's done leads to her being into me. I've told her about J and how he's my boyfriend. And I've told her how I'm not into girls. But it's persistent-she just won't stop.

And this is where the hard part comes. I think I'm to blame partially for the persistence. I have told her time and time again that I don't want to have a lesbian hook up. But I guess my actions prove otherwise. Before we all go to sleep, I tuck in a few of my floor mates, her being one of them. She always pulls me closer and makes me lay down with her. It's completely innocent. Well, she's tried some stuff (too much for this blog LOL) and it's definitely crossed the line. One time, I accidentally fell asleep in her bed and she ended up kissing me. I know this because as I woke up just as she finished kissing me. At the time, there were a million things crossing my mind. I had just woken up so I couldn't think properly, but I was completely shocked.

But I can't blame her completely, I guess. I am the one who kept "tucking" her in and laying in bed (completely innocent in my eyes, however). I've asked myself so many times why I keep tucking her in and laying in bed with her and I can't come up with an answer, but I think I've finally come up with something. She, herself, asked me why I stay in her bed if a lesbian experience isn't what I want. And I think it's come down to the fact that she boosts my ego so much. This feeling of her wanting me so badly boosts my ego to new levels and, as sick as this sounds, I will go to great lengths to satisfy my ego. Of course, I can't tell her that because I don't want to hurt her. I guess that's why this initiation happens. She compliments me to the point where I can't handle it, but I can't say no. That's where I'm so sick, and I'm so disgusted with myself.

I want it to stop, but my ego overpowers my brain and forces me to do whatever it takes for it to reach new levels. It's so disgusting and sickening, but it seems that I can't help it. Playing with her feelings is so horrible. And I accept full responsibility, as hard as it is, of my actions.

 But she needs to stop what she's doing because I've told her she's going to ruin a friendship. She needs to stop being so aggressive and trying to put her hand down my pants, up my shirt, everywhere.

We're not even done yet because where does that leave J? I text AP more than I text J. To be honest, he doesn't even cross mind because of her. Thank goodness this week she wasn't at school. Valentine's day was spent right because it reminded me of why I'm in a relationship with J. But J doesn't deserve for this to happen to him. Her kissing me is wrong on so many levels. And it's completely unfair for J for something like this to happen.

Goodness me, so many things to think about. But I think AP is going to let up. We'll see what happens this week-she comes back to college.

Guilty and disgusted with me and AP,

GJW

Pensive

Confession: I finally got in a relationship with J. It was bound to happen, and it finally did in October.

It's all a long story, but long story short I'm starting to feel doubt over our relationship. Mainly over the fact that it's long distance. He's in a different state than me, and it's hard to make time for a person you don't see on a regular basis. I really like being in a relationship with him and I've truly grown to love him, but the negatives are starting to take a toll. When we were together during winter break, it was wonderful because I got to see him so often and we always talked to each other. At college, though, it's a totally different story.  At college, it's like I have to make time for him, and I've noticed I dont mind if we don't text or talk that much throughout the day. In all honesty, it's kind of an annoyance when he texts me even if his texts are so adorable. I'm not sure what to do because I do want to be in a relationship with him, but I can't help these feelings.

The thought of him coming to visit me or spending time with him in person is so wonderful. But going to college, I honestly feel like I'm single again. I'm not going to do anything that could hurt him, but it just doesn't seem like we're in a relationship when we're apart.

Mehh, this post is so unsatisfying because I don't know what to do. I really love being in a relationship with him, but he's definitely starting to cross my mind less. Maybe it was because this weekend was crazy fun (at least that's what I'm hoping for because I can't afford for anything else).

To change things, I'm going to start texting him more and whatnot, to maybe rekindle and give it another go. I'm certainly not giving up, I just think it's a phase that I'm going through.

That's all I can say about J for now.

-GJW