I guess now we can talk about J and all of our past history (LONG POST)

In sophomore year I became friends with this kid named J (different than JQ). We became quite good friends and during winter break of sophomore year, he sent me a message via Facebook telling me he had a crush on me. I didn't like him so I told him over Facebook that "I don't like you, but we should still be friends." After I wrote that, he messaged me saying that he got hacked by his friends. I didn't know any better so I believed him and we moved on. Later that year, I found out that he had "poured his heart out" to someone which meant that he lied about getting hacked.

Ok, I didn't think too much about it. Then junior year began, and we got closer. In December of that year, he sent me a Facebook message again. This time, it was much more mature, deeper, and an out pour of love. Also, at this point in time we were still in school and we had a class together (he sat directly behind me). Well, I didn't respond to that message for a few days because I didn't know how to tell him that I didn't like him w/o it being awkward. I did do it eventually, and it was BRUTALLY awkward. Thankfully winter break came and after that it wasn't too awkward. 

Fastforward to April of junior year: Prom Season. Everyone was getting asked left and right to go to Prom. I didn't plan on going to Prom b/c I was swamped w/ work. J asked me to go to Prom w/ him (which lead me to believe that he still liked me). He asked me in front of my Spanish class so it was quite hard to say no in front of 34 people. I was too stressed about everything, so I pulled him aside a few days later and said I didn't want to go to Prom. I didn't say I didn't want to go w/ J; I just didn't want to go in general. To make it up, I told him we should hangout instead. After that, nothing was said about him liking me.

The summer after junior year, J Facebook chatted me and asked me if I had any feelings towards him (NOW IT GETS REAL INTERESTING). At that point I wasn't sure. I was in love w/ the flattery I received from someone liking me for this long, so I basically said anything. After that, we didn't talk about it for a long time.

Then, in senior year, around October, we were working on a project at the public library. J told me he still had feelings for me and asked me about that one time (paragraph above) we Facebook chatted. I told him that "I didn't know" and that I'd get back to him. What I had to weigh in was how far I would go for this flattery. So many questions. This time, through no electronic communication, I told him I didn't like him and that was that. It wasn't easy, but it was done. Then in November, J asked me to Homecoming (I think in a friends kinda way). So we went as friends. At the dance, however, I didn't grind or slow dance w/ him. I felt bad for being a bad date, but the past is the past. After that, nothing really happened. I was in a constant state of turmoil for some reason. Because J made it so hard to like him and hate him at the same time. However, this was the first year that I knew that J liked me no matter what. The previous years, whenever I told him I didn't like him, I thought he had fully gotten over me. 

In April of Senior year, he asked me to Prom again. And this time I went w/ him. This time I did dance w/ him. I felt that I had to be a good date. And that was that. Then he told me he was going to college out of state. That was what really turned this around. I didn't want this constant flattery gone. I wanted it to be here along with me. I did the unexpected and told him that I wasn't sure of how I felt about him. He told me that he had "strong feelings" for me and the only thing holding him back from going to college out of state was me. That was enough for me to try as hard as I could for him to stay. Nothing worked and he's now in college out of state. I told him I couldn't be in a relationship with him if it would be long distance. That hit him like a ton of bricks.

Then this summer, I spent a lot of time wanting to be on J's mind. In mid July-August we started to hangout a lot more, and I guess I sort of started to develop feelings for him. We talked about a lot of things. Before I knew it, he was out of the state and off to college. In late august, we were texting and I promised him a playlist. Well I did send him a playlist. A playlist of how I felt. There were mixed emotions on the playlist. J is no dumb guy so I'm guessing he figured out the underlying message of the playlist.

I didn't feel strongly enough for him, but there were feelings. Am I even ready for a relationship? Long distance with a guy who's not attractive, but good personality? I don't know, and I hope that if I ignore these thoughts and feelings, I'll be fine.

Lost,

GJW