Phobias, phobias, and more phobias

On Saturday, I'm taking a flight to Hawaii which is around 5 hours. I've always been a little afraid of flying, not because I'm afraid of crashing, but just what it entails. A small space, up in the air, and the smell of an airplane. It gives me great anxiety. On top of that I get nauseous really easily so that really adds to my  fear of flying.

To combat my fear of nausea, I bought Dramamine which is an anti nausea medicine. Asides from that, I'm totally unprepared. What to do for 5 hours?

It is an early flight, so I figured the night before, I'll sleep late, wake up early, be super tired, and have no choice but to fall asleep. Unfortunately, I don't fall asleep that easily on planes. Hopefully I can this time though. To help me fall asleep, definitely listening to some cool jazz (my friend gave me like 100+ jazz songs, so going to help me sleep!)

Other than that, no clue. Maybe bring a notebook to write in (always calms me down, kind of like blogging), bring Seinfeld and Clueless (?) I want a light hearted movie. I'll go to the library and see which one looks good. I can't forget to bring gum too-it's a huge stress reliever for me. Don't know why, I just know it is.

So here's the break down for time:

-Sleep (1-2hr-->1.5 hrs)
-Seinfeld (45 min)
-Movie (1 hr 45 min)
-Write in notebook (30 min-45 min)

Altogether that's about 4.5 hours. Now if that actually works out, that would be great. Also, time for eating must be taken into account.

Wish me luck! I'm bringing my laptop to Hawaii, so hopefully when I get downtime I can update you all about how my life is =) I hope all is well with you and I'm truly sorry for not blogging more. I promise I will blog as often as I can. I'm aiming for every day, every other day, or every two days!

So long,

GJW

I made your social life and now you drop me because you found people THROUGH me?!?! That's not how it goes down. Yeah I know you've been wanting people that are of the same race, and people who don't think you're the "annoying drunk," and where your contribution to a conversation isn't just "mmhmm" or "oh yeah." Also, do you realize how lame you're going to be with just 3 of you guys drinking? What are the 3 of you guys gonna do after you take shots? Call me and try to hit up some more people? I don't think so because that's not the way it works here. But honestly, sweetheart, you're a carbon copy of me. You do everything I do, and say everything I say. Please don't forget that I am your one way into being social. Without me, you would never have met ANYONE at college. I am the "hanna"to your "jeni"

This is a hater post because I am a hater right now.

Furious,

GJW

I guess now we can talk about J and all of our past history (LONG POST)

In sophomore year I became friends with this kid named J (different than JQ). We became quite good friends and during winter break of sophomore year, he sent me a message via Facebook telling me he had a crush on me. I didn't like him so I told him over Facebook that "I don't like you, but we should still be friends." After I wrote that, he messaged me saying that he got hacked by his friends. I didn't know any better so I believed him and we moved on. Later that year, I found out that he had "poured his heart out" to someone which meant that he lied about getting hacked.

Ok, I didn't think too much about it. Then junior year began, and we got closer. In December of that year, he sent me a Facebook message again. This time, it was much more mature, deeper, and an out pour of love. Also, at this point in time we were still in school and we had a class together (he sat directly behind me). Well, I didn't respond to that message for a few days because I didn't know how to tell him that I didn't like him w/o it being awkward. I did do it eventually, and it was BRUTALLY awkward. Thankfully winter break came and after that it wasn't too awkward. 

Fastforward to April of junior year: Prom Season. Everyone was getting asked left and right to go to Prom. I didn't plan on going to Prom b/c I was swamped w/ work. J asked me to go to Prom w/ him (which lead me to believe that he still liked me). He asked me in front of my Spanish class so it was quite hard to say no in front of 34 people. I was too stressed about everything, so I pulled him aside a few days later and said I didn't want to go to Prom. I didn't say I didn't want to go w/ J; I just didn't want to go in general. To make it up, I told him we should hangout instead. After that, nothing was said about him liking me.

The summer after junior year, J Facebook chatted me and asked me if I had any feelings towards him (NOW IT GETS REAL INTERESTING). At that point I wasn't sure. I was in love w/ the flattery I received from someone liking me for this long, so I basically said anything. After that, we didn't talk about it for a long time.

Then, in senior year, around October, we were working on a project at the public library. J told me he still had feelings for me and asked me about that one time (paragraph above) we Facebook chatted. I told him that "I didn't know" and that I'd get back to him. What I had to weigh in was how far I would go for this flattery. So many questions. This time, through no electronic communication, I told him I didn't like him and that was that. It wasn't easy, but it was done. Then in November, J asked me to Homecoming (I think in a friends kinda way). So we went as friends. At the dance, however, I didn't grind or slow dance w/ him. I felt bad for being a bad date, but the past is the past. After that, nothing really happened. I was in a constant state of turmoil for some reason. Because J made it so hard to like him and hate him at the same time. However, this was the first year that I knew that J liked me no matter what. The previous years, whenever I told him I didn't like him, I thought he had fully gotten over me. 

In April of Senior year, he asked me to Prom again. And this time I went w/ him. This time I did dance w/ him. I felt that I had to be a good date. And that was that. Then he told me he was going to college out of state. That was what really turned this around. I didn't want this constant flattery gone. I wanted it to be here along with me. I did the unexpected and told him that I wasn't sure of how I felt about him. He told me that he had "strong feelings" for me and the only thing holding him back from going to college out of state was me. That was enough for me to try as hard as I could for him to stay. Nothing worked and he's now in college out of state. I told him I couldn't be in a relationship with him if it would be long distance. That hit him like a ton of bricks.

Then this summer, I spent a lot of time wanting to be on J's mind. In mid July-August we started to hangout a lot more, and I guess I sort of started to develop feelings for him. We talked about a lot of things. Before I knew it, he was out of the state and off to college. In late august, we were texting and I promised him a playlist. Well I did send him a playlist. A playlist of how I felt. There were mixed emotions on the playlist. J is no dumb guy so I'm guessing he figured out the underlying message of the playlist.

I didn't feel strongly enough for him, but there were feelings. Am I even ready for a relationship? Long distance with a guy who's not attractive, but good personality? I don't know, and I hope that if I ignore these thoughts and feelings, I'll be fine.

Lost,

GJW

College: New Beginnings

This post is going to be pretty short. Due to the fact, that I've been left feeling a bit sad. I just skyped w/ my best friend JQ who goes to college about 2 hrs 40 min away from me. We skyped and it reminded me of old days when we'd hangout and talk about nothing. We're kind of like Seinfeld. He's Jerry and I'm Elaine. We don't have to talk about anything in particular, but the talking about nothing is precisely what makes it interesting. I miss him more than any of my friends who have gone to college. Of course you guys are going to say "duh, he's your best friend." But there's more to that. He is my best friend. But he's also a security blanket. When I go to college, he won't be there as a familiar face. I could almost be my whole self w/ him. Whenever I wanted to hangout w/ him, I'd just call him the day of and say "Hey, [JQ] let's hangout today." He'd say yeah, and we'd pick up and go. We never did anything particularly interesting, but hanging out was enough.

Words can't describe how much I miss him being a part of my daily life. But I gotta keep moving on. Onwards and upwards.

The song I'm listening to seems to fit my feeling of college and JQ:

I'm Not Alone-Calvin Harris (Deadmau5 remix). Youtube it, my friends

Until a happier post,

GJW

An unexpected person having a profound impact on me

In the beginning of my junior year of high school I struggled a lot in pre-calculus. To get through that, my tutor from sophomore year recommended me someone working for him (because he got too busy), and she started to tutor me. For the sake of anonymity, I'll call her M. Well even with her help, I didn't do too well although I can't blame her for that.

Although I didn't become too successful w/ M's help in math, she still had a profound impact on me. Often times we would sit in the library and talk about everything. She really seemed intrigued by me (although I have no idea why). I think she was intrigued w/ my lack of ambition, shallow views, and views about life, politics, etc. I burned her the Lady Gaga CDs and she couldn't believe the shallow lyrics of The Fame. I love them, but that's no surprise.

Having M as my tutor had a big impact on me. It was nice talking to someone older about problems in my life. Seemingly big problems, but not so big after some reassurance. I'm having difficulties describing how she had a profound impact on me, but believe me she did.

Confiding in M about how J (if you knew about my previous blog, you'll know this guy J-he was in love with me. If not, I'll explain who J is) had a mad crush on and everything. Anyway, I'm having a hard time describing so I'll end w/ this. Think about someone who had a profound impact on you. Appreciate them if they're still in your life. If not, get back in touch w/ them. I added M on Facebook. Maybe I'll post something on her wall.

Keep in touch with a profound impact-er,

GJW

First Post since early 2010

Long story short, I used to have a blog, but I ended up deleting it due to my anonymity issues. My state of being anonymous was at risk. I want to blog on here anonymously about what I think, feel, and just anything else. That's what my previous blog was like and that's what this blog will be like.

Anyway, since this is my first post, I just want to let out some of my nervousness. I'm extremely nervous about starting college this fall. I have a week and a half to go, and it's definitely starting to hit me about what it's all going to be like. Living w/ a roommate, not seeing your family whenever, and not being able to  have all your quirks show right off the bat. It kind of makes me want to go to my local community college first, but it's too late. I need to change my attitude about college, and start getting revved up for it. It's hard, but I know I'll have fun when I get there (or at least I keep telling myself that).

Over the course of this blog, you will be introduced to my issues w/ my friends (and my good times) BUT their names will be anonymous to the max. There will be some ranting, some raving, and some in between. I have a good story now, but it'll have to wait for the next post. I hope that all of you who stumble onto this blog will stay w/ me and tell your friends about it. I also hope that my anonymity will be better this time around.

Best to you all,

GJW